anatomy of a break up: from the male view

by: the male contributer


So one of the main reasons I was roped into this position (okay, okay, I volunteered) was to provide a male perspective into the world of dating/love/relationships and so on. Well I’ve done that in many areas, but I haven’t yet touched on actual relationships. That may stem from the fact that prior to starting writing here (a few weeks in fact) I went through a breakup from a relationship that had spanned multiple years. So it’s time to put some of that story out there and let you ladies know just where the male mind travels to over the course of a breakup.

First of all, I guess I need to put some of the details of my split out there. I’ll make this quick and neutral as possible, because as with any relationship, you can make a novel out of your side of story. This girl (I promise this is the nicest word I can call her, that Kailey will let me post on here), was actually really nice at first and we were each other’s firsts for just about everything. The thing is, she wound up losing trust in me because of certain situations- some I deserved and others that were not my fault. Our biggest problem was her being unable to let those situations go, especially when she wanted to “win” an argument. However as I told you guys in my last post, I’m a “Ted” when I fall for a girl, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it work. I’m not a quitter… even when I should be. Eventually our problems lead to a break-up in the dead of winter (how effing poetic) that was her idea (but really should have been mine at least a few months beforehand). And now I’ll get into the nitty gritty, so get your notepads out.

*Note: I’ll try and keep cursing to a minimum for this post, although in reality at this time cursing is an art form we choose to express ourselves in. Also in this section I’ll try and generalize first, then give more specific examples from my own breakup. Please keep in mind this is an extreme generalization, every situation is unique and different, even if we don’t want to admit it.


step 1) The first step for men, whether we initiated the split or not, is telling ourselves that we didn’t need that b*!^* anyways. We distance ourselves first, because, well, that’s what you need to do. For me, this was realizing and admitting to myself that I had been preparing for this moment and postponing it for months.

step 2) The second step is admitting to both yourself and your friends that it’s time to move on. These are the people that have foreseen the break up since the first few signs- Whether that was hours or months ago they were there to recognize it and they’re your support system that will keep you (relatively) sane for the foreseeable future. I still remember telling my friends about my breakup… immediately before moving on to the next step….

step 3) BOOZE, BEER, and WHATEVER WETS YOUR WHISTLE. This can often be mostly your friends doing, at least it was in my case. It may be that we were in college and that’s what we did, but as soon as that breakup happened we were drinking the night away. This step is also important because it also involves hitting on other girls. This is a great time, a time where you “do you”, but it’s not a true moving on stage yet sadly. It’s more about proving that life exists outside of the old relationship.

step 4)…. Sighhhh Step frickin’ (Kailey you owe me because this is the least amount cursing I’ve done when talking about this) four, doesn’t always occur but when it does it’s awful. Step four is fallback- meaning you’re texting your ex and trying to close things out. Sometimes you do just that, text and close things out. Other times (and my break up falls in this space), it complicates things and you wind up in her bed roughly 5 times in a 3 month span. Hmm, That’s about right, but who’s counting? But remember, this isn’t a good thing, because it means you debate the relationship and you’ll likely wind up a conversation away from being back in it. This is scary for many reasons once you go onto….

step 5) moving on. The bad news is that if you went through step 4 it essentially means you’ll have what amounts to a second breakup: Where you stop hooking up and basically end things for good. It’s much worse than the first breakup, but at least it ends things for real. Which is bad because it hurts even worse than the first time, but ride it out because most likely you’ll discover you were right about the outcome in step one, it’s time to move on from that girl.

So there it is, the VERY, VERY BASIC steps of a breakup from a male’s perspective. The details of everything make it much more complicated than this is really, but for the most part that’s roughly what we are going through when it comes to this stuff.

Have you ever weathered a soul crushing mind numbing break up? What are your recovery tactics?


Strangelove or: How I learned to stop worrying and accept our online dating overlords

 By: The Male Contributer 

If you didn’t get the reference the title of this post is making then you definitely need to Google Dr. Strangelove and learn some movie history, but also maybe my second working title will be more up your alley. Consider this post co-named: “It’s going down, I’m yelling Tinder.”

Hey y’all, I’m back again and a lot quicker this time, look at that (great success!). So you know how I’ve been promising that I’m actually working on stuff and not just relying on your suggestions? This is one of those posts where I actually use my own ideas… yes they actually do exist! So let’s start with a confession: I have been on a Tinder* date. That is a date with someone I met and know exclusively from Tinder…. Yeah, that happened. Judge if you will, it’s completely understandable and in all reality probably deserved. But know this: it wasn’t, I repeat that it was not a bad experience and it actually gave me a new perspective on dating. Well, at least an insight into part of the dating world I hadn’t thought about or experienced before. So before we get into my revelation about dating let’s talk about this Tinder date.

I’m not sure about the rest of you but I have this tendency to jump on Tinder at the end of a long night… a long night out on the town with a few adult beverages that is. This has, well, it has mixed results, let’s be honest. I’ve woken up to a few uhhhhh…. interesting (let’s go with that) matches and conversations the morning after. However this time around I matched with a lovely young lady late one night and was instantly surprised to find that she had swiped in my direction as well. Well I knew drunk me sending a message to her at 3am wasn’t the route I wanted to go, so I went to bed and woke up the next morning, clear and refreshed (maybe a touch hungover? Don’t really recall but not a bad bet) and struck up a conversation. Once again I was surprised, this time by how easy the conversation went. After a few days of messaging back and forth with some flirting mixed in for good measure, we had ourselves a dinner date. I did the gentlemanly thing and picked her up and paid, went the whole nine yards of course, I am nothing if not a gentleman. Wouldn’t you know I was surprised again- The conversation flowed seamlessly; we ate our dinner and stayed at the restaurant for a good 3-4 hours, just chilling and talking like we were old friends.

Long story short, we had a few more dates, (wouldn’t call those Tinder dates because we actually knew each other outside the app at this point) those went well but we decided to go our separate ways for a variety of reasons, not really important. What is important, however, is the lesson this initial date taught me. So, what is it that I learned? Well I learned that online dating is not just the future, it’s the present. Our generation is constantly online and connecting with people through social media so isn’t the next logical step meeting romantic interests online?

Now, I’m not saying it’s the only way, in fact, I much prefer meeting people in person- However, I also recognize that I’m an awkward dude, like coffee or beer- I’m an acquired taste. Online dating, which Tinder for all intents and purposes is, allows for that acquired taste to come through. It only benefits me and many others like me to embrace it. When you think about how our generation operates, constantly connected to our computers and phones, the role of the internet will only continue to increase when it comes to people meeting with romantic purposes. It may not be how we imagine meeting someone, but if trends show us anything, the number of people meeting on a website or app designed for that very purpose is increasing and will only continue to increase so you might as well admit it to yourself and be open to the possibility.

Now, I’m still in my early 20’s, so I’m not signing up for or eHarmony anytime soon. There’s nothing wrong with those sites, it’s just not what I’m looking for. However, I’m not going to be opposed to those in the future and I’m not going to be opposed to meeting someone who I consider dateable on Tinder, or another app/website like it. To think otherwise is only cheating yourself out of the full potential of ways to meet someone who may grow to being someone special to you. So that’s my little bit of ranting for the time being. What do you think? Is Tinder an okay place to meet someone worth dating? 

Online dating: Inevitable trend of the future? Or not? Let’s hear what you have to say in the comments. And while you’re at it, let’s hear some suggestions for future posts. Also please go vote in the poll posted at the end of my last post about future topic ideas:

As always, thanks to the proprietor of this site for giving me the chance to give a man’s perspective and thanks to all of you for reading, I hope that I entertained you and also gave you an interesting male perspective on things.

*For those of you, like Kailey, who don’t know what Tinder is, here is the wikipedia page:


I’m a grown up now. Kind of.

So… I realize it’s now June, and therefore a few months since I’ve posted anything that I wrote myself and didn’t drag out of my male contributor… Whose last post’s poll only got ONE response by the way. I’m looking at you. All of you. Because I know more than one person read it and I’m pretty sure that one person who responded was my BOYFRIEND who did it out of pity and not because he wants to know how to tell if a guy is a douchebag.

I’ve been crazy busy on the one hand, which isn’t much of an excuse because we all have. Graduating, moving back home, getting a job and an internship, and getting ready for (real) life. I’ve also just had really unfortunate timing. Words always come to me when I’m in inconvenient places. Like meijer. or in the shower. Then by the time I get to my laptop I’m either too tired or have forgotten the eloquent prose (ha) that so beautifully came to me.

I guess you’re just going to have to settle for the non-prose version.

I feel like I’m on a roller coaster ride of emotions- some days I am SO happy with my life: college graduate, job with awesome kiddos, awesome boyfriend who I’ll probably get engaged to within the next 2 years (PRESSURE. haha, I can’t help it… I’m in the wedding  business now with my internship- it’s hard not to start planning my own! Sorry T! I love you!), said mentioned wedding internship, back home where it just feels oh so right to be right now, loving family who accepts and supports me no matter what, etc. I am a very lucky girl. Other days I have a complete meltdown because I’m worried I made a big mistake in my career path and should’ve just gone to school to be a lawyer or nurse or something. First world problems, I realize, when you take a step back and look at it. How are you guys dealing with graduation (for those of you who have graduated)?

There was a point right after I found out I got my internship though when I got especially worried- worried that something would go very very wrong soon. Why? Because it usually has. To round up the pity party, there has been many occasions in my life growing up where things would seem to be awesome for 5 seconds until they weren’t. Super cute guy likes you? Jk he has a girlfriend. Wow, these girls are awesome and seem to get me… JK they talk about you behind your back and secretly hate you. It’s your senior year and theatre is your life and you’ve worked your butt off for four years so you think you finally have a shot at a non-chorus role in the school musical? HA. Don’t even get me started.

I came up with this theory in high school: Out of the three things I wanted/needed most in life- best friends, involvement in something I feel passionate about (whether a school play, job, or something else), and a positive relationship with a boy, I could only ever have two, at most. The two years between my junior year of high school and my freshman year of college I swiveled between the three at a sickening pace. I would say that I am the closest right now that I have ever been, and I am so grateful and thankful for that.

I am also thankful that I have got a hold on my rOCD (you can read more about what that is here:, if you guys want I can do a whole blog post about my experience with rOCD sometime) and am now able to see T for what he is- a wonderful, wonderful man. I am so glad you guys got to go on that journey, at least a little bit, with me and I can stand here today and say I made it. Not every day is a good day, but thanks to positive/realistic thinking, and the journey that I took to get here I can say that the bad days are few and far in between. I have confronted my demons and relationship fears, something we all have to do at some point. I have realized that a boyfriend is a person, and therefore a human, like myself, and not perfect. I have realigned my expectations for what I NEED a boyfriend/future husband to be and not what I WANT him to be and I am so excited for my future with T. 🙂

I realize this post probably wasn’t very interesting, so I will try to work on something better for the near future, but at least you have an update now. A big thanks to all of you: for reading hugs & the suburbs and for your encouraging words. Stay tuned for the future. 🙂


Male Contributor Post #2: Are There Soul Mates?

“We recognize a soul mate by the supreme level of comfort and security we feel with that person. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues that remain to be ironed out. Rather, it means we know intuitively that we can resolve issues with our soul mate without losing his or her love and respect.” -Linda Brady

You guys already know the lowdown of what I think of soul mates… and if you don’t, you can read it for yourself here. So here’s my male contributor’s views- Enjoy! 

Well hello there, it’s been a long time without a promised, ranting, opinionated post. Apologies, real life and real procrastination called, so I’m a little backed up on the writing aspect of things.

So where have I been and what’s taken me so long? Well I’ve been out in the world working, drinking, flirting, dating and generally having my fair load of shenanigans. All in the name of research of course- I mean after all what kind “male guest poster” would I be if I wasn’t out there living life so I could come up with things to talk to y’all about? Okay, so maybe coming up with post topics wasn’t always the first thing on my mind as I was walking into a bar, drinking my nth beer of the night, talking with my friends and looking for a pair of pretty eyes to get lost in for a while. However those experiences are what I can (and do) draw from when I’m writing and what makes me a guy, which if I recall correctly is what got me this gig in the first place. So let’s get on with it then.

In my last post I asked for ideas for topics and after shifting through all one of the answers, I decided that I had enough of an opinion to respond to this one: “What are your views/ opinions on marriage? Such as: Do Soul mates exist? Is there hope for happily ever after? Are some people meant to be single/ are happier and more productive single? Feel free to rant and ramble!” A nice light topic to get going on, jeez. I kid, I kid, because I do really like this question. It’s something that we all think about, probably many times throughout our lives.

To start off, let’s go with the first example question listed: “Do soul mates exist?” To that my answer is a big emphatic NO. That is, if we’re saying they inherently exist. There’s no perfect person out there that will fit you like a glove. Soul mates can and most likely do exist if we look at it in the sense that you can and most likely will meet someone you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with. You’ll have a deep, deep connection with each other soul to soul. But that’s not going to happen without work, and a lot of it. No matter how happy the couple there is always work to be done in a relationship. In fact, in my opinion a lot of times the relationships that need and have more work to be done are the ones that are the happiest. Saying that “soul mates” exist in the sense that we can find someone who we fit perfectly with, without that work or with even a small amount of work though? Well that’s asking a helluva lot from the universe in my mind.

So to go along with that, there are definitely people who are meant to be single, whether that be for a month, a year, or a lifetime. I think I’m in that phase right now myself. I think that in this time during my life I am better off being single. Now I could also meet someone in a week that I spend the rest of my life with and I would be happier than a pig in slop if that happened. However, I am not going out chasing that. I believe that as soon as we start chasing after that relationship we start making it near impossible for ourselves to find one. The extra pressure we put on ourselves makes it really easy for us to ruin a potentially good thing. However if you take that step back and just enjoy your time being single, go out, make mistakes and live life, things have a way of working out in the way they are supposed to. And if that’s staying single for a (seemingly) long time… well, I mean you’ll be having a good time anyways, so who cares.

Well that’s about all the ranting I have in me right now. I’m always trying to come up with my own topics (I am I promise! Even if the proprietor of this site has to harass me for posts every now and then). But If I didn’t answer this question as fully as hoped or if there are follow up questions to it please do not hesitate to send them in. Or if you have any new topics that you think I may have an opinion on, be sure to send those on in too. In the mean time I’ll keep putting myself out there, drinking, fraternizing and being merry, all for the sake of this blog’s readership of course…. and maybe just maybe in hopes of one of those girls with the pretty eyes just so happening to get lost back because hey, you never know right?

First Post from my new Male Contributor!



GUYS! My male guest poster finally sent me something! (I kid, I kid, he’s great… and it’s a great post!)

I seriously was so excited I started hopping all around my room. It doesn’t take much to get me excited.

So, without further ado, here it is:

Have you ever suggested and then volunteered to do something because you thought “I could do that” and then when you go to do it you realize you have no fricking clue what you are talking about? Well you now know how I found myself in this position of being this blog’s volunteer guest male poster. When I suggested the idea I thought heck, I have a million ideas of what to say (read: how to defend us guys). Now I’ve been staring at a blank screen going “no, wait, come back ideas, I promise I’ll give you the attention you deserve. So… Hope you enjoyed reading my post. See you next time!

Wait you want more than that? S*&#! Okay, well I guess I could use this to let you know a bit about me and what I was thinking when I put myself into this mess. I like to think I’m one of those legitimately nice guys. You know, the ones that girls say they want? Then seem to pass right by. Yeah that’s me. No this isn’t going to be a slam against women, saying they only go for “bad boy” or whatever you want to call it (althoughhhhh some of y’alls gender can make it pretty easy to say that at times). No this isn’t a slam because I’m also that guy you know that, while being super nice, has the game with women of, well, what’s something that has very, very little game with women? A cold burrito? Does that make sense? Ah, to hell with it, I like the way it sounds- if y’all don’t find it funny there will be other, funnier jokes (well hopefully).

So what you may be asking: What DO I have to offer then? Well, I’ve had a fair share of flings in the past of varying lengths and variety, and a few serious relationships that in retrospect probably could have gone better, although I am currently a single guy who is trying to wade my way back into the whole meeting women thing. Well then, that’s probably enough about me for the first post. I’m sure you’ll find out more in any subsequent articles. Which leads me to the next point and the whole point of this post itself, which is what does the readership of this blog want out of me as a writer? Are there any specific topics I should tackle? A regular Q and A where I answer all the questions you can’t just randomly go up and ask men? What do the inquiring minds wish to know from a single guy (heck I’d just like to know this for my own benefit, the more I think about it)? I mean I could just go on rants as I think of them, but I think we’d all be better off if I have some ideas to bounce of off. I’m willing to write/talk/loudly state my opinion about whatever on here so don’t think that any topic is off limits. Trust me, I’m very good at rambling, ask my ex.

Well without a specific topic to go off about, I think that’ll just about put a bow on things for this time. Thank you for reading, get those suggestions in, I’ll do my best to think of some good ideas as well. Also a special thank you goes out to the wonderful proprietor of this blog, for giving me an avenue to vent and hopefully give the guys a voice in the argument on here.

5 things you deserve

Hey everyone,

So I’ve been growing so anxious lately in anticipation of graduation and sick of the never ending winter, and I realized I haven’t written in a while. Which is sad, because two of my best friends have recently begun seeing guys and I, of course, have been living vicariously through them as I’ve been off the market for a while. I felt the butterflies when they first told us about him, I was heartbroken with them when they were disappointed, and I cheered when my friend told me things were official. This all got me to thinking about the things we DO deserve in any kind of relationship- whether it’s a boyfriend or a husband-to-be. I’ve talked so much lately about how too many people want the “perfect” man and have too high of expectations. But the real problem lies in the things that we’re willing to accept instead- the lacking commitment, the talking to other women, etc. So here’s what you DO deserve, and need:


  1. Excitement

Every person deserves excitement. Whether it’s butterflies, joy that a friendship is turning into something more, hopefulness for the future, etc. I’m not saying you have to be over the moon every second- because sometimes things start off slower, but I once tried to make things happen with a guy who was clearly nothing more than a friend to me. I wasn’t feeling it, and therefore wasn’t excited- to see him, for the future, and to make things official.

When is it a bad sign? Your butterflies are more like ulcers. I had this happen to me with a guy before and it wasn’t pretty. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I thought that not being able to eat when I thought about him was normal. Um… no. probably not. especially for someone who loves food as much as I do. It was anxiety and nerves because he was talking to other girls and wasn’t really mine. and it drove me crazy, for years, sadly.


2. Laughter

I know this is such a cliche thing to say, but he needs to be able to make you laugh. I don’t care if you’re a serious type, you can’t tell me you never laugh. He doesn’t need to be a comedian or a total goofball, but you need to be able to see the humor in life. It makes things so much easier when you can laugh together. Those who laugh together love harder, feel better, and hold fewer grudges. Ok, I just made that up, but it’s probably true.

when is it a warning sign? When you are forcing your laughs. When you WANT to find him funny because you like him so darn much. When he laughs AT you when you make a mistake or do something less than bright. Seems obvious, I know, but so many people ignore this. Your partner should not be a bully. Besides, don’t you think it’ll be so much better when your future baby keeps you up all night (assuming that’s what you want) and you can both laugh about it in the morning when you fall asleep in your cheerios instead of fighting about who did more?


3. Commitment

This is a tricky one. It may seem like I’m being captain obvious here, but if the person you like/love/whatever is willing and wanting to commit to you- whether by not seeing any other people, by becoming facebook official, giving you a promise ring, engagement, etc. there is so much more hope and security in your relationship. I have much personal experience with this. Before I met T, I never had an official boyfriend. But did I go on dates? Yup. Was I sort of kind of seeing people? Yup. (not at the same time, calm down). And every. single. time. I made the same vital flaw. I avoided having the “what are we” talks. Well, not so much avoided, but I never seemed to notice that these talks were always missing. The guys never really brought it up. My favorite (in a sarcastic, he disgusts me kind of “favorite”) is a guy who was I was seeing right before I met T. This guy had just gotten out of a long term relationship, but I thought that the rebound period was over. He promised me one night that he would “never hurt me” after an emotional moment of me telling him about the guy that broke my heart so badly. Then, ladies and gentlemen, he pinky shook. He pinky promised me he would never hurt me. So cheesy, so weird. At the time I was like “uhhh unless you marry me right now, which I don’t even want, there is no way you can promise that.” and I was right. A few weeks later he asked another girl to be his girlfriend. AND THEY ARE STILL DATING TO THIS DAY. sickening right? bleh. And the guy before him? The one I told him about? There were so many moments when I could have asked him to clarify the situation, but I didn’t. I was afraid. Afraid that he would run, afraid that the answer would be no. So instead I did a lot of high school girl cryptic facebook statues and whining to my friends. And what happened? He asked another girl to prom and ended things anyway. My life people. Proof you need to have the talk.. even if it’s hard. Please save yourself from finding stuff out like I did. I don’t care what excuse he gives, if you’ve been dating for a while, he knows where it’s going, whether he lets you in on it or not.

sorry for the rant.

moving on.


4. Trust

A lot of good relationship books suggest you narrow your impossible mr. right list down to 3-5 things of MUST-HAVES. I think that trust must be one of those. Kailey 5 years ago would never have thought to include that on a dream man list, and that’s so naive. There are some things that are just non-negotiable. Some things that if you don’t have, the relationship will never work out, no matter what. My five things are 1. Trust  2. Wants Kids/would make a good dad  3. Financially stable (doesn’t have to be a millionaire, but I prefer he doesn’t make $7.40 an hour at mickey d’s part time)  4. Makes me laugh  5. Patient

I strongly suggest everyone (men and women) reconsider the things that truly matter to them. These are the dealbreakers and they are important to know. I never understood how people can marry someone who doesn’t want kids when they very clearly do (hello grey’s anatomy), clearly this is going to be a problem somewhere down the line.

so um. what were we talking about here? Oh yeah, trust. Make sure you know he wouldn’t lie to you. I know in the deepest part of my heart that T would never intentionally (or unintentionally actually. he really is that good of a guy) hurt me and will never cheat on me. And that means a whole heck of a lot.


5. Effort

He doesn’t need to make you breakfast in bed every day or propose to you in a huge elaborate choreographed routine in public (in fact, he probably shouldn’t. Am I the only one who the thought of that makes me cringe? Sorry, I like privacy. A few close friends and family TOPS when my day comes. Or alone. That’s all I ask.)

So what should he do? He should make the effort to see how you are doing, ask about your day, ask questions, pay attention. He should make sure you get to your car safely, ask if you want anything to drink at his house, and maybe dress in your favorite shirt now and then. T wears the cologne I got him because he knows I like it. He asks for my opinion on date outfits. In the past he has surprised me on separate occasions with arnold palmer ice tea, popcorn and chocolate (I eat it together sometimes), and flowers. This doesn’t need to be every day and they don’t need to be store-bought things. I leave him little notes every where- from under his pillow, to the notes section on his phone, to between the pages of a book. It’s my way of reminding him that I love him. He wrote me a letter and put it on my car before to surprise me. (I though I got a ticket for a second coming out of work. yikes. haha)

Your guy (or gal) should make you feel loved and special. Even the littlest things, like holding your hand in public and offering to carry her coat mean a lot.

That’s all I have for today… Love your loved ones, pet your dogs, and stay warm as the never-ceasing winter continues.


When things get messy: first dates, anniversaries, and everything in between.


I often find myself wondering about the blurred lines in modern day relationships. Back in the day, Dick and Jane dated, then were “going steady,” and then got married. But here in the 2000’s things have gotten a lot more complicated. What constitutes a date-Someone asking you to dinner? But what if it’s lunch? Does that mean you’re just friends? 

How do you know whether a get together is just “hanging out” or a real live first date? Are there requirements? T and I to this day don’t really know whether to count the time we met at Biggby’s for coffee or when we went to the zoo. When you’re hanging out in groups or with friends before things get serious  it can be hard to make the distinction. In high school, I dated, but I never had a boyfriend. I also think that half of the time I thought I was on a date when I probably wasn’t, and other times, like my junior prom, I didn’t realize it was something more until the guy started calling me “hun.” There also was the time when the guy I was head over heels for senior year asked me out to lunch and we ended up going to olive garden where he paid. Was that a date? If I experienced the same thing now I would’ve say yes, but back then I wasn’t so sure.

The rules of timing are another thing. How do you keep track of the amount of time you’ve been dating? Many couples celebrate their monthly anniversaries, but that pretty much makes me gag. Plus after you pass the 1 year mark it pretty much seems pointless. 

And then things get trickier: if you break up. This is the thing everyone wonders about but never really talks about. It’s taboo. If you break up and get back together, do you start over? Does the clock reset to day one? I used to be one of the scoffers. I had a friend who dated a guy for a year or two, then broke up with him for several months, then got back together and a month later stated that they were celebrating 2 years together. I was like “uhhh, except you broke up…..” However, once I experienced this phenomenon for myself I felt quite differently. Most of you know that T and I broke up for about a month last spring, and yet I still would say that we’ve been together 2 1/2 years next month. Is this wrong of me? There is so much history, so much that went on, that I feel we can’t just go back to zero. That and we texted each other almost the entire time we were broken up- I don’t think we really understood the concept. I’m also not giving up august 22nd because that was the day that for the first time in my life, I wasn’t single anymore. So I guess it’s up to you. People may judge, but I would feel silly after 2 years being like “we’re celebrating our 3 month.” I mean….. really. 

Maybe things would be easier if there was a universal relationship rule book… Something I could live my life by, and that would put all of us on the same page. Perhaps we’re all just navigating the dating trenches untrained and without bulletproof vests, and even though it’s scary, at least we’re not alone.

How do you know?

I hate hate HATE when people say “when you know, you know.”

I made plans to write about this wretched saying a while ago, but then all of a sudden christmas season happened and people were getting engaged left and right and this happened and I could no longer stay in my uncertain editing period. I’ve tried not to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I’m sorry if I do. But it’s just going to get kind of controversial in this post. Brace yourselves.

Also I thought I’d illustrate my feelings with gifs to make it more fun for everyone.

SOOOO this happens often:

acquaintance: “They dated for a month and now they’re engaged, but I guess when you know, you know.”



It is probably one of my biggest pet peeves ever. Especially because it is a phrase practically coined by the too-young and the too-restless and the get-engaged-far-to-fast. I don’t know if it’s my young age, or my non-existent boyfriends before T (he is my first “official” although long-term boyfriend… you can read our story here if this is your first time on my page), but there is no way I would say yes to a guy after 4 or 5 months. I was and never will be ready to make that level of commitment after such a short amount of time. After all, it’s been proven that the chemicals in our brain are what give us the happy-go-lucky feeling of being in “love.”

After reading multiple articles and learning about the process in many of my courses I have learned the following:

The extreme high we get (butterflies, giddiness, sweaty palms) can last between a few months to about 6 months. It depends on the relationship.

The “feelings” of being in love last from between 6 months to 2 years. After 2 years there is a definite drop. 

Although we’re sometimes sad when we start feeling more comfortable and less like we’re on cloud 9, it’s actually quite normal and healthy. Think of what it would be like to stay in that state the rest of your life! They’d be all “hey babe, gonna run to the store, see you later” and you’d be all


You wouldn’t be able to focus on anything, you would always be nervous when first seeing them, probably lose sleep, and never fully have an appetite (these were my symptoms, always have been. They vary from person to person though). You also would never get the chance to grow into a deeper more fulfilling love relationship with your partner before tying yourself to them forever. Having that comfort, security, and sense of home with T is something I love and would not give up for anything.

I have also read multiple articles about how after two years the relationship becomes more “real.” You stop seeing the person as perfect and the real flaws in the other person and the relationship come out. This may be the make it or break it point in many couple’s relationships. So if according to science this is when you realize actual compatibility….

What if you are married before 2 years of dating?

If you embrace it, work hard at it, etc, you can save your marriage and become stronger. But what if you realize that hey, this person isn’t actually right for me… we were just really attracted to each other. Then what? What if, at the deepest parts of you- you aren’t compatible or don’t have the same goals?


That’s all I wanna know. But anyway. The point of this was to stand up for those of us in the 5% (*made up statistic) of 20-23 year olds who are simply dating. Because we actually end up feeling pressured, being judged , or feeling left out for both not being engaged AND not being single. My best friends are all single, and so much of college culture nowadays is about how being single rocks. And it does! and there is nothing wrong with it- I am all for strong independent women (and men). We don’t need a man (or woman). I don’t need a man- but I want one. I want T because he’s my best friend and my boyfriend. Can I still be a strong woman and date him? Yes, I believe I can.


Somehow in between my high school classmates getting ready to go down the aisle and my friends who are out looking for guys I don’t quite know where I fit in. I don’t know who started the pact that said “everyone! quick! get engaged!” but it was made. I would have never known senior year of high school who would be a) engaged, b) married, or c) parents by now.


I guess the objection I have is when people treat marriage like a passing fancy instead of something that is meant to last. I am SO for the institution of marriage, I think the idea of tying yourself to another person for life is a journey that will have many ups and downs but will be incredibly rewarding. In a culture where Kim Kardashian can get married and divorced in little over a two month period, I think people are far too quick to jump into the festivities. (another example of this)

So in conclusion, I hate when these people defend their hasty engagement by saying “when you know you know!” …It’s like they are implying that they somehow hold the secret to all dating mysteries and are simply superior to the rest of us. How do they “know”? What does that even mean? That a magical dating fairy flew down and told them? Because I know for the rest of us it’s not always easy. Especially if you are paranoid, anxiety prone, and neurotic like I am. So, just because I’m not engaged it means I don’t love my boyfriend or he isn’t the one? because I do love him, and I can see us spending the rest of our lives together. So, in the grand scheme of things, are a few more years going to hurt? NO. I’d argue it’s helping- helping us conquer our issues, grow as a couple, and ready ourselves to become a couple forever.



I knew T was perfect for me when he held me down to pull a glass splinter out of my foot. I kicked and whined but he held me down and pulled it out. Because he cares about me. I don’t know very many people that would get that up close and personal with my feet. I know that’s silly, and seemingly not a big deal, but it is- it really is. Would you rather your husband buy you flashy things or be willing to take care of you, even when you’re not at your most glamorous? Bling is pretty, but it won’t keep you from losing your foot.

ring pop

and neither will ring pops. Sorry.

There’s little things, all the time, that make me know how much I love him. Most of them aren’t even romantic at all in the sense that they don’t look like what we think of when we think of romance, but they are. They are sweet sweet moments where I want to cling to him like a adorable spider monkey and yell “MINE!” (ok, I actually do this. Sorry T.)

Maybe it’s ok if you don’t awaken in the night and gaze at their sleeping face and realize they will be yours forever. And it’s ok if by the second date you don’t hear wedding bells. Maybe we never know for sure (besides you magical unicorns)… We just love the people we love and life happens. Perhaps it’s not one big defining moment when you “know,” but a lot of little things.


5 second rule

You and your friend are eating pretzels while standing at the kitchen counter when you accidentally drop one on the floor. “five second rule!” you blab and reach down to pick it up.

When people claim this piece of folklore it’s not because they actually believe it, it’s to prevent other people from judging them. If you drop a pretzel on the floor you might continue to eat it, despite the fact that it’s now potentially contaminated. So what about dating?

If we’re not sure where someone else’s heart has been- should we take the risk of biting into the relationship? 

We know the risk of germs, that the dog licked the floor, and there’s dirt from our shoes- but I guess we think that if you can’t see it, it’s not there. Or maybe we don’t want to think about it. Is it the same with people? People don’t literally walk around with their hearts on their sleeves- “dated Jenny, broke up with Karly, has a crush on Lucy.” 

But what if they did? Would we still take the chance? If reminded of the lurking germs right before… Would it stop you? Probably. But it would only be to save face… to keep to social standards. So often we ignore people’s pasts in hopes of becoming part of their future. We want to believe that somehow their germs aren’t going to hurt us and that if we pretend it’s ok it will be. Maybe we’re too scared to know the truth, or maybe we know that if we really knew the dirt on everyone there’d be no one left to date. Maybe it’s ok to have rules, rules to make us feel safe. After all, most of us are the dropped pretzels of the world to other people. 

Maybe we’re all just waiting for the right person to pick us up out of the grimy backgrounds we came from. Find someone who cares enough and isn’t going to throw us away, despite the baggage that comes with us. That’s all anybody wants, isn’t it? 



So before I start:

a) redoing the art project I did wrong

b) studying for an exam tomorrow

c) typing up the summary of the guest lecture I had to go to tonight

d) crying

I wanted to post an update, because yes, I realize I haven’t posted all freakin’ semester. I wanted to, I really did. In fact, I have about 5 or 6 half written posts saved on my desktop because I would start one and then think it wasn’t good enough or not have time to finish it. This semester I haven’t really had time to do the things that I love and help de-stress me like:

a) blogging

b) running/exercising

c) reading for fun

because I’ve been too busy working (I got a job working with infants at a development center. I love it- LOVE it. I love babies), going to class, doing homework, trying to graduate in the spring, pretending the amount of sleep I get is enough, consuming mass quantities of caffeine, seeing my boyfriend, joining a club, and job hunting for the days when I finally can hold that sweet sweet diploma.

Seeing as I (finally) only have a few weeks left of my fall semester, I thought I’d actually post and let you guys know the dealio. Over christmas break I plan on having spare time (YAY) because I recently quit my summer job that was supposed to carry on as seasonal  because I knew I would hate it, and I thought I deserved one last break before I have to become an adult. Here are some things you can look forward too:

a) a list of the top 5 and worst 5 leading men in rom coms

b) why Mr. Big was Mr. Big Mistake (remember when I said I was going to do that? yeah.)

c) The 10 second rule of love

d) The moment you knew he was the “one”

e) and more that I have yet to come up with.

So, in conclusion, (remember in middle school when the teachers would lecture us about not starting our conclusion with “In conclusion”? I always thought that was crap. They were all “I KNOW it’s your conclusion, you don’t need to say it”and I was all “YOU’RE REQUIRING A CONCLUSION PARAGRAPH, LET ME START IT HOW I WANT.”)

I just realized you can create polls on wordpress… so that’s kinda cool. Please vote to help me improve in the future. 🙂

Anyway, I’m sorry this was boring and merely informative. I send you all my virtual love. Here’s a link to a hilarious live tweet of a random couple breaking up. Most/some of you have probably already seen it.. but I thought it was funny and it brightened my day!


the eternal check list

 Image              Image

Then: senior picture in high school     Now: confident senior in college. sort of.                                                         

Today I had my graduation check, which is when you make sure you have all your classes completed or currently enrolled in in order to graduate. As I sat there watching my advisor check off all the little boxes I couldn’t help but remember when it had seemed nearly impossible. My freshman year each major had seemed like it required much more than four years of classes- there were just so many requirements to graduate. Now 3 years and 96 credits later I am so much closer. 

It made me think about all the other things in life we feel we need to get checked off. boyfriend, check. bachelor’s degree, check. job I like, check. 

So often we are trying to cross off all the boxes in life, but the harsh reality is, if we wait until all our boxes are checked our lives may never begin. The qualifications and goals don’t go away after we complete them, they just change. They are never ending, and a part of us is always striving for them, worried that if we don’t  check them off we’ll end up alone living with a ton of cats and a job we hate. have a relationship- check. Then get engaged- check. Then get married- check. Have kids- check, check, check. 

There is no easy formula to happiness, and no one’s list of life goals is the same. Some of us want to be CEO’s of big modern-day up & coming companies, while others want to help orphan’s in another country. Neither is more important than the other, because they both need to be done. Not everyone has what it takes to be a CEO, and not everyone has the strength to help those less fortunate. Everyone must find their own passion, their purpose, and their “graduation pathway.” 

Imagine you are 25, happily married, with 2 kids, a house, and your dream job that also pays well. The ideal perfection of the American dream. 

“I’d feel pretty darn awesome,” You’d say, thinking how cool it would be if you had your life figured out that early. 

But besides being pretty much impossible, you’d still want more. Our complicated brains constantly come up with new goals for us, and just because we complete them doesn’t mean we’ll stop there. Completing something doesn’t necessarily mean lifelong happiness and satisfaction, because it’s not the end of your journey. It’s just the start of a new checklist. We are never “done,” We create dreams and goals for ourselves because if we didn’t our lives would be boring. Have you ever felt that loss of purpose? After completing something that consumed so much of your time you wondered, “what now?” ….So you start another project. We’re always wanting more… more money, more time, more dates, when will it be enough? We have to stop being greedy, and find a happy medium. Be thankful for what you have, who you are at this point in your life, and all that you have achieved. But never stop reaching for your dreams. 

When you cross off all your boxes, make new ones. When the qualifications and boxes seem as if they are impossible- keep trying. At the start of a journey it can seem as if the way there will take forever.. but then you blink, and you’re 21, in a committed relationship, and graduating from college in the spring.




Don’t care how, I want it noooooow

Our generation is addicted to “fast.” We crave it, we initiative it, and we keep it going. Without speed, many things in our lives would indeed change, but it shouldn’t bother us as much as it would. Jimmy john’s delivers freaky fast, internet is “high speed,” and you can even say “I love you” after a few weeks. Why are we so caught up in doing everything as fast as possible? Are we afraid of what might happen if we slow down? 

Is it because, deep down, we’re all afraid of time?

Americans are living longer and the average lifespan is getting older- modern medicine has advanced drastically, and technology increases every day. We have so much more time than our ancestors and yet we insist on cramming as much into it as possible. We drive instead of walk, eat at fast food restaurants, and put on makeup, drink coffee, and talk on the phone while answering e-mails. While we no longer rush to get down the aisle everything between is pressurized. Moving in, physical relationships, and calling them our “boyfriends” are things that the modern women leaps into faster than our Grandmothers did, but with no sure prospect of marriage. We rush our feelings, then second guess ourselves if we don’t think we’re feeling “right.” We are fast to break up with a guy if he doesn’t completely match our expectations because we fear the time, work, and effort that a real relationship entails. So, instead, we move from man to man, moving so fast as if to guard our hearts, and our fast paced lives. 

I just got back from spending a week up north for my annual vacation with my family. I did something I hadn’t done in a while- I stopped. I read a book, ran, and lay out by the water and simply watched the clouds. I just… existed. After I got over the initial shock and panic of not having an immediate project to tackle, I liked it. My thoughts settled, my mind cleared, and I remembered what it was like to be still. To appreciate nature. I think if more people did this more often the world be a more peaceful place. 

Have modern day young adults lost their sense of peace? Have we sacrificed it in exchange for the “fast”? Our generation has grown up with the creation of the internet, ipods, and touch screens and it’s no secret that we’re very different from generations before us. I can’t help but wonder- why can’t we wait? Why must everything be right now? We know making a home cooked meal is better for us than that processed stuff that comes ready made… But we aren’t willing to put the effort in, even if it is worth it. 

Which brings to me pose this question: When it comes to young love, are we settling for the pop-tarts of relationships? 

love should come with a road map & relationships with a travel guide


The other day I made T a friendship bracelet. I’d made him a similar one at work last summer and he wore it until it broke. As I sat there tying the little blue and green strings into knots I couldn’t help but remember when I’d made one for a different boy. Remembering how naive and hopeful I’d been, so inexperienced when it came to dating. I remember I’d made it his favorite color and he’d “forgotten” it in my basement. That should’ve been a sign. Especially when I ran out to his car to give it to him and he just shrugged and gave me a look. At the time I hadn’t thought twice about that moment, but now it lives in my memory as a missed indicator that something was wrong.

I couldn’t help but wonder… do we accept and ignore things in our dating relationships that we would never put up with in our platonic friendships? Do we push little tell-tale signs aside because we have a crush? And is that really good for us? What about our intuition, our gut, our instincts… where do those go? There’s times when a girl really needs a little red blinking sign in her head that says something like “danger, entering rocky relationship ahead” or “caution. sketchy dude.” When you are in deep infatuation with a person, those little signals all seem to hit the high road. But why? Isn’t that when we need it most? It isn’t until we’re flat on our butts with the air knocked out of us that we realize we’ve missed all the signs. Is it part of the experience of having a crush… or do we do it to ourselves? If it’s inevitable that your crush is going to crush you, is it possible that we don’t really want to know?

It may be true that things aren’t always so black and white. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what the problem is, because the problem isn’t visible. And perhaps there doesn’t appear to be one to an outsider, but you know it’s there. Throughout my life there’s been times when I’ve been seeing a guy or talking to a guy and all of a sudden something changes and I can’t shake the feeling that somehow we’ve reached a fork in the road and he went one way and I went another and we can’t go back. But this often occurred when there wasn’t even a relationship to break in the first place: When there was never really anything to begin with, it’s even easier to fall apart. It got me thinking that maybe in these scenarios you and your crush aren’t even compatible at all… Just two people wanting so desperately to find love, companionship, and someone to hold their hand, that we try so hard to fall for the wrong person. I could dream up an ideal world in my head where so many of the men I’ve liked became the perfect boyfriends and we always had stuff to talk about and went on all these fun dates… but in reality, it simply never happened. Even if the guy hadn’t done anything “wrong…”  he hadn’t necessarily done anything “right” either. Sometimes nothing’s wrong, but everything is.

Sometimes our warning signals and wariness finally come out only when we meet a nice guy- as if we don’t believe he could actually be nice, and that somewhere lurking deep down, he’s hoping to make us cry. I was like that with T. After so many years of pining after the bad boys that broke my heart and the too nice guys (you can read my thoughts on too nice guys here) that I had lukewarm feelings for, I had finally met a guy who was the complete package. So what did I do? completely and utterly panicked. Naturally.

If we had met at 15 it would have been a completely different story. All it would’ve taken was a meeting of eyes across a crowded room. But I wasn’t 15 anymore. I carried years of distrust- and finally there it was. My wariness that someone might hurt me. Coming out at the completely wrong time. It was only after I took some time to myself one day to think of all that he had done, all that he was, and all that I knew he could never be that I realized BAM, I had somehow gone through the dating trenches and ended up with a really great guy. How did I do it? I have no effing idea. But that’s the thing that keeps us going, isn’t it? What keeps us believing the lies and the bullshit- we’re hoping against all else, that he’s the one.

“Settling” Vs. Being Realistic


‘Tis the season of break ups. Am I right? I don’t know about you, but everyone in my sorority and friend circle has been breaking up with their boyfriends. EVERYBODY. everybody. EVEEEERYYYYBODDYYYY.

okay. Maybe not everybody.

but a lot of people.

What is it about spring that makes people end their relationships? Is it the yearning for something new? Tired of the old? Do we throw out our old boyfriends like we do the dust on our rugs in spring cleaning? 

Do we just get restless?

I have been researching relationships of the modern woman and how things have changed from decades past. Our grandmother’s never had the same things we do- facebook to be “in a relationship with,” twitter to stalk our boyfriends, skype for when we are apart, and iphones to text every second of our lives. While many of us can’t imagine life or a relationship without these things- it obviously can be and once was done. What would it be like to not be in constant contact with our significant others? Would it drive us apart? Or make every time we were together more exciting?

Another thing our grandmothers didn’t have were these ridiculous, out of control, over the top EXPECTATIONS. We don’t even realize that we do it sometimes, but we do. 

Women before us needed to marry to be financially provided for, and to have a family. Today, a woman can be a top CEO, and can get in vitro fertilization. We no longer need a man…. but we still want one. We want someone to be our companion, to cuddle with every night, to tell us that we’re pretty, and to walk down the aisle with… even if just for the sake of walking down the aisle. We want the perfect man. We want someone who will match a long long long LONG list of requirements: “he must be over 6 foot tall, he has to like golden retrievers, he must be smart but not nerdy, he must dress well, have a good family, and want to live where I want to live.” We make these formulas in our head of these unrealistic men that we. will. never. find. You know you’re not perfect, so how do you expect to find a man that is? 

Everyone has flaws. You may not be able to wear heels around him, but he wants to take care of you and you share the same love of hiking. You need to learn to accept that no one, NO ONE on this green earth will be 100% what you want… the best people will be pretty darn close, but if you screw it up looking for someone that’s all the way there, it’s your loss. We’re the ones who mess it up- we let perfectly good (or even great) men out of our lives because we think someone better will come along, or he wasn’t the elusive “one,” or he cracked his knuckles and it drove you nuts. Well you know what? You will find a guy that doesn’t crack his knuckles, but maybe he snores and is a different religion than you. 

We’ve got to stop being so darn picky. Magazines tell us we’re too good, and that we deserve the best. But are we taking it too far? Have we such warped idealistic images of ourselves that we think we’re too good for anyone but orlando bloom? News flash: he has a baby with a fricken super model. 1) I’m sure he has his flaws. 2) Are you a super model? I think not. We often forget, in our search for a man that fulfills all of our standards, that we may not be filling all of theirs. Maybe they wish you were shorter, or hadn’t dated 5 million guys, or that you really like mexican food like he does. We all have to come down off our high horses when it comes to modern relationships. Men, from what I’ve read, are less guilty- if guilty at all, of doing this. They accept all of our crazy quirks because they love us. But us women? We pick them apart and skip away looking for the next “Mr. Perfect” to come along so we can dissect their personalities in search of flaw. Love is love. You have to love someone for all that they are and all that they are not. It’s about accepting that person fully and realizing that the “perfect match” you wrote up on paper will, in fact, never leave the paper. If you’re reading this and say “hey, my guy (or girl) is everything I want…” Then congratulations- this means you have escaped this and pulled ahead of the curve. Because believe me- there’s things about them that weren’t originally part of your list (if you’re one of the “list women”) but you fell in love with them anyway. And so, they became your ideal. Flaws and all. It’s about finding someone with enough of the good stuff- enough of the stuff that matters, that it balances out or overwhelms the bad. I read in “Marry Him- The Case of Settling for Mr. Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb (read it, I recommend it. She’s not a psychologist, she’s a journalist. And her opinions are really interesting.. Don’t let the title fool you and do not judge it.. you have to read it to understand. She’s like an awesome jewish single mom Carrie Bradshaw.) that we should look for 80% of the things we want in a man. Forget about the 100%- it’s only going to make you lonely, sad, and full of regret when you wake up one day middle aged and all the good men your age are married or dating 25 year olds. 

Also, something else to throw out there- never ever ever ever let yourself be with a drug addict, alcoholic, or sexually/physically/mentally abusive partner. That is NOT settling. That is NOT being realistic. Those are things that will effect your partner, you, any children you have, and your relationship. It’s not worth it. Please walk away.

Okay? Okay. 

Cheers lovelies, hope you have a wonderful rest of your week!

Listen up Ladies!

So, several weeks later… I finally have the guy list compiled. What I have learned in that process is that I know much fewer men who I feel comfortable asking to answer something for my blog than I do women. But nonetheless, I really enjoyed reading their answers and I thought some of them were funny.

so here we go. we go in the car.

(Jenna marbles reference. anyone? ..anyone? Bueler?)

What is something that attracts you to a girl?

1) I like a girl with a good sense of humor. When she has the same interests as me. Great personality.

2) When the girl makes an effort to do things that I like. She is willing to try and do new things. confidence, that’s definitely an attractive trait. She’s gotta be sure of herself.

3) If we have enough in common and she makes me laugh or laughs at my jokes. I like a girl that has fun in any scenario.

4) willingness to play video games puts you over the top. Makes you look cool right away and there aren’t many girls like you. You cant go wrong with that. Obviously you’ve got to look good but guys have different tastes. Act like you care about the guy, but don’t be too available. Mind games work but don’t drag it on (at least they work on me).

5) when a girl is passionate, has a good sense of humor, and has some extravert qualities. Also from a physical standpoint, a pretty face puts the icing on the cake.

6) if we share similar taste in music.

7) a girl who can really connect to me on a personal level.

8) Being realistic and ‘down to earth’

9) Be open and approachable, not assuming the worse in a person and being willing to talk or even making the first move and/or initial contact (huge points for that)

10) Her presence in the room (her confidence, her body language, how she presents herself). I love a girl with a strong personality, probably because I’m so mellow. Physically attractive and good smile.

11) physical attributes, positive attitude, good sense of humor, enjoys sports (plays or watches), cooks good food (breakfast) and she likes blogging. (hah. I see what you did there………)

What is a thing that girls do that turn you off immediately?

1) immediate turn off is when girls are too stuck up or act fake. We don’t want to waste our time on girls who think they’re too good for you.

2) over protectiveness. My time matters to me. I should be able to spend it with friends, with my gf, or alone, and she should be okay with that

3) there is nothing worse than being fake.

4) You can’t bounce around flirting with every guy. Choose 1 and work on that. Guys don’t like girls who just go up to them and make out with them (no long term).

5) Worst thing for me is someone who smokes cigs, it just straight up bothers me. Also if they are superficial, count me out!

6) Don’t lead us on, I like the chase of a new relationship but there is a limit to it.

7) When a girl lies a lot.

8) When a girl acts stuck up.

9) Being overly cocky, thinking too much of themselves

10) Being judgmental, and assuming that they know what is the right vs. wrong

11) Dishonesty is a huge turnoff, and I honestly hate hate hate it when girls talk about their celeb crushes. I know guys do it too and I think that’s fine (which I realize is a double standard), but guys generally don’t advertise it in front of the girl they like. Girls will just tell their boyfriend how hot so and so is all day long…and it makes us feel really inferior and inadequate.

12) negative attitude, full of herself, she likes the Blackhawks

Hope everyone had a good st. patrick’s day! My best friend is going to Ireland in 3 days… ahh!

If you’re interested, you can read her story here: