The ONE thing that you need to know

The worst thing that can happen to your relationship is to follow relationship advice.

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Why?

because all of it is a lie. Including mine.

Because, guess what? All relationships are different. No one else will ever love someone like you love your family. No one else will love their children like you love yours. And no one else’s love will be the same love that you have with your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or best friend. There is no one perfect formula: take a half cup man plus a quarter cup woman and stir. Put it in the oven and in 20 minutes you will have a relationship. Some relationships need cinnamon, some need more flour, and some may even need a heaping ton of salt. Something that we all need to realize is: no one else is in your relationship besides you and your partner.

Okay, so I’m not going to say that if your parents and friends hate them then it’s totally not a warning sign and he’s a great guy- because that probably would be a lie. But all the advice columns… all the people bitter because of a broken heart or defensive of their own choices are not going to make the right decision for you. I could drive myself crazy reading all the things from A) the people who are single and are mad because they haven’t found someone yet OR watched their relationship crash and burn, or, B) the people who married young/fast/whatever and feel the need to tell everyone else IT IS OK AND I AM SO HAPPY AHH.

if you are the above: I have no problem with you, I am happy for you either way- Yay you’re single and that is awesome- freedom and nights out and independence, oh my! and if you are married- lucky you, you found your best friend who you wanna live with and that’s fantastic. 🙂 It’s just hard when these people think “their” way is the BEST and ONLY way. I guess this should be no surprise, us as human beings do this all the time. But it’s really confusing if you’re somewhere in the middle. I look at the single people and am like “well, I’m not single.” The very, uh, passionate ones believe your 20’s and college years are for hooking up, traveling the world on a whim, and that being married or in a relationship is the worst possible thing you could do to yourself. The married ones are all “I got married to my high school sweetheart and we are super happy! Why wait?”

sooo…. one group of society tells me I’m living my life wrong and will regret it because I didn’t date a string of men (not that that’s wrong if that’s what you want- live your life girl! it’s just not the choice for me.) and the other half tells me I should be married already because if i’m not ready then it’s not right. So what are we supposed to do? is there a right choice for anyone? Should we all run around like chicken’s with our heads cut off securing our MRS. degrees or should we break off a great relationship just so we can explore? There is no one right answer for everyone. No one-size-fits-all. But there is something that IS true.

If I could tell everyone in the whole world one thing?

It would be that love is not expendable.

We’ve got to stop treating it like it is.

You cannot buy love- you can’t get it on a computer screen, late at night on a X-rated site and you can’t find it in a prostitute. It’s not love they’re selling. A man whose wife is from an arranged marriage does not necessarily have her heart- just her company.

Love can be made at any point and any time, and we’re not going to run out of it like we might for our natural resources. But it’s not something that you can plainly see. If you think too deeply about it, it becomes confusing about what it actually is. Chemicals? Friendship on fire? Hormones? Whether you call the most powerful being God, Allah, Buddha, or cosmic karma, you can not argue that the common connection between all of us is LOVE. Love is the thing that is present everywhere- seeking, searching, finding, giving, and never taking. You don’t give up on true love. Or at least, you shouldn’t.

Your family, your children, and your spouse… these are the things that we should love and cherish above all else. Because they give us love and need ours in return.

Everyone is different. There is a “right” path for everyone to choose for themselves… So don’t be afraid to defy the social norm, go after what you want, marry your best friend, chase your dreams, or marry your best friend WHILE chasing your dreams. But please.. don’t listen to me. Decide for yourself.

 

What Women Actually Want

 

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Hello men!

I told you I was going to devote a post to you, and here it is!

first, I thought we’d start with a picture of jennifer lawrence. 

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 Do I have your attention? 

Good.

So I got the idea of creating a list of helpful hints for men compiled by the real women in my life. I had seen a list on stumbleupon or something of things women wish men knew, and wanted to make my own. So I asked 15 or so of my friends- all college age ladies, of various grades, the things that they look for in a man and the things that are an immediate turn off. They responded generously, and I loved their answers and wording so much that I left them as is for the most part. So without further ado, here they are: 

 

What is something that wins you over immediately? 

  1. I like when guys make engaging eye contact with me, compliment me, and come up with fun original dates.
  2. Nice smile, green eyes
  3. When a guy comes up to me and starts the conversation, and makes me laugh
  4. I love someone who is outgoing and not afraid to be funny or themselves in front of me. In terms of looks I like tall, dark and handsome… preferably military men 😉
  5. I really love if they can keep an engaging conversation on the first date, awkward silences are such a turn off and make me really nervous. I also like guys who are active and do cool things (i.e. roller skates, has a lot of hobbies). Couch potatoes are unattractive.
  6. I really like when the guys actually listen to what I am saying and seemed interested, care about my life and my day, etc.
  7. having a strong religion and faith.
  8. I like when guys find creative ways to have fun on dates, it makes me feel special. Being tall also helps 🙂
  9. a good singer! It’s also important that they have interesting things to say, if they are motivated and intelligent, if they share my political beliefs and some of my hobbies, and if they are interested in things that i’ve never been overly exposed to (like outdoorsy things or something)
  10. A sense of adventure! I get bored super easily so I really appreciate a guy who can think out of the box and always come up with new and exciting places to explore and things to do. Willingness to try anything–doesn’t have to like it, just has to be willing to try it. 
  11. A man who loves to cook and is comfortable enough with his manliness to be romantic.
  12. They must be open-minded, caring, have a sense of humor, creative, and make you a priority. I’m also impressed with intelligence, a man who likes to read, someone who cares about their health but can live too, and someone who is well spoken and can carry a great conversation. 
  13. A guy who is caring and not afraid to have deep talks. Who makes an effort to get to know my friends and introduces me to his friends. A guy who has good goals for his life.
  14. A guy who is not afraid to laugh at himself, and If he can make me laugh that’s great too
  15. a guy who can clean up nice and that will take me out to dinner and even pay for it
  16. I like when guys have blue eyes and a nice smile, for looks. But I like when a guy will come up to me and start the conversation and it helps if they are funny
  17. perfect teeth. Nothing more needs to be said. 

 

What is a thing that guys do that turns you off immediately or puts him in the friend zone?

  1. I really don’t like when guys flirt with other girls in front if me, or completely ignore me when they are with guy friends. I also don’t like when guys say things to make me feel bad about myself purposely.
  2. acting differently in groups of people vs. one on one
  3. Someone who brags constantly and thinks too highly of themselves… confidence can be sexy but cocky is a turn off.
  4. The instant turn off for me is cockiness and super strong opinions with no ability to listen to other opinions.
  5. an instant turn off is being rude, especially if they are not rude around me but then change themselves to be rude and more “manly” around their guy friends
  6. no sense of humor or silliness.
  7. Not noticing when I am feeling down, acting different with different groups of people
  8. if they’re a pothead, really like videogames, if they complain constantly about things that don’t matter, if they believe in a lot of weird conspiracy theories, if they completely cannot dress themselves, if they smell bad, if they just don’t grasp life and all of its wonderful opportunities, if they treat other people unkindly, or if they’re that person at parties who gets embarrassingly drunk and everyone has to watch out for him
  9. If they’re just obsessed with getting laid.
  10. Over-confident/cocky, selfish, close-minded–I also hate guys who treat every interpersonal interaction like a business deal, like “How can I personally benefit from this/what do I get from hanging out with you?” Boys who act like you don’t exist when they’re around their bro friends are also jerks.
  11. not giving you the time of day, rudeness, ignorance, too needy, and just in general being a “jerk”.
  12. A guy who is way too clingy/controlling and guys who smoke and have a reputation of hooking up with a lot of girls
  13. I hate conceded guys. Another big turn off is if he is checking out other girls while with me.
  14. guys who are nerdy and not confident.
  15. Someone who is cocky or is rude, someone who acts differently around their friends, and someone who is not doing anything with their lives.

    _______________________________

    You know what this means, right? I’m going to do one for the women now. So men, I’d love it if you’d message me, comment, text me, or some other form of communication and answer these questions. I have several of you in mind that I’m going to hunt down and ask, so you might as well assume that it’s going to be you, and tell me anyway. It probably won’t be my next post as I already have a few I’ve been working on- late night studying does that to me, but look for it in the near future girls!

“I knew you were trouble when you walked in”

….Because you’re an awful lying jerk or a stuck up diva, but I couldn’t help but love you anyway.

But really.

Why do we always find ourselves drawn to the people we know will hurt us?

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first for the ladies:

Girls can be stupid, really stupid, when it comes to relationships. 

As I’ve mentioned before, communication is the key. So many girls listen to what a boy is saying to them… but they don’t really hear it. I have watched the women around me do some not so smart things when it comes to love and I can’t help but shake my head. T once told me “yeah, some guys are a-holes, but girls are DUMB for dating them.” At first this comment angered me- I was so sure we were the victims here! 

But then I got to thinking about it. It’s no secret that hollywood is at fault for brain washing girls into believing that the bad boy is going to write you poetry simply because you’re the “right girl” for him… but is what T said true? Do we really? are we truly the ones who inflict the pain on ourselves? It’s not entirely our fault, I argued, because THEY are the ones who are jerks to begin with and there’s a whole slew of Katherine Heigl movies that make us think we will be the ones who change them. Real life = They don’t change. The cheaters are still cheaters. The serial daters are still serial daters. And even if they did, is that REALLY who you want your prince charming to be? Someone who kissed, dated, and possibly slept with hundreds of other girls before you? I prefer my prince charming to be unused, thank you. Not recycled so many times that the threads are coming undone. Yes, I did just compare that player you’re pining after to a well worn sweater. Not so sexy now, is he? 

 So really, in the end, who is to blame? The boys that break our hearts, the girls who date them, or the world of media? I want you to count in your head how many girls you know that are hoping their noah calhoun is going to show up and paint them a white house with blue shutters. Is it a lot? I thought so. Darn you ryan gosling.

If you’ve ever dated a not so good guy, I understand. For years I hoped and wished for the whole change miracle thing to come true. I wanted to take the non-committal boy and turn him into quality boyfriend material. But it never happened for me, and chances are, it’s not going to happen for you either. So I guess the really hard part is being patient. Playing the waiting game for that boy who is actually worth your while to walk into the picture. The situation can seem to be hopeless, and you may give up that he ever may be coming. But that’s the trick. It’s only once you FORGET this and start believing in yourself rather than in the perfect man that you even stand a chance of finding him. I know how hard that is: forgetting about him to get him. But I don’t want you to enter into that mindset thinking that the final destination is M.R.S. You need to free yourself. That way, you will grow as a individual, join a club, make new friends, move to a new city, and LIVE YOUR LIFE, until one day… you meet him. Whether it be in two weeks, or 25 years. There’s no perfect pattern, but if you truly love your life and yourself, why do you need a man? The right one will come when you’re ready and when the time in your life is right. So please, save yourself the heartache, and stop dating the guys you know are bad for you!

Now for da boys:

Have you ever stayed rigidly in the friend zone? Do you get the girls for a hot second only to have them dump you two days later? 

Do you over apologize for everything, always let her have her way, and basically assume the qualities of a doormat with chest hair? 

You might be a nice guy. Or, let me rephrase- a TOO nice guy. Most likely you’ve had trouble keeping or getting girls and you can’t quite figure out why because, let’s face it, you’re a total sweetheart! 

One of the seemingly obvious, but actually quite difficult things about relationships: You can’t be somebody’s pushover. The relationship must be of equal commitment, affection, and attention… simply put: You can not obsess over them as if they are a god. Because that is just sad. They can’t respect you then, and on the flip side, if someone treats you like you have no flaws and acts like a complete, for lack of a better word, wimp, the chase is over. You feel no equality in the relationship. The bottom line is: if you treat someone like they are too good for you, they will get the idea that they are.

Here’s some tips from yours truly:

  1. There’s a difference between being nice and being a doormat… there’s nothing wrong with being nice, it’s only when you give up opinions, likes, and interests of your own to please someone else. You need to be your own person.
  2. Take care of yourself. You don’t need to have a 6 pack, be super tan, and wear ralph lauren. But you do need to shower, shave, and wear unwrinkled clothes that fit you. I know a couple of “nice” guys who don’t seem confident in the way they look. You could look like sloth from the goonies, but if you shower and are confident in the way you look: you’ll get the ladies (ok.. maybe not sloth. but you get the picture).
  3. If she’s not into you… She’s not into you. There is a difference between playing hard to get and turning you down after you’ve asked her out for the 8th time (hint hint hint. I’m looking at you). For some girls, you will just end up being the “friend,” and yeah it sucks, but she’s not the girl you’re supposed to be with in that way. Enjoy the friendship, and someday a girl will come along who says “yes” the first time you ask. 

Sadly, it’s true that some girls truly want the “bad guy.” T once went on a date with a girl who later told him he was too nice for her. I can think of several guys who I would say are TOO nice, and T is not one of them. I could just be particularly bias, but while he is a incredibly sweet guy, he holds his own. So I guess it mostly depends on the girl. Some girls are afraid of commitment and therefore only date guys they know will be gone within the week. From my experience, if the girl really truly in her heart decides she wants to keep a guy, she will figure out what she’s been doing wrong and when she meets a nice guy, things will work. A certain friend of mine has had a girlfriend for quite some time now, and I personally would’ve previously categorized him as a “too nice” guy… But he waited it out, and eventually the right girl came around. 

So I guess, don’t date the crazies. I know most of us are, and I apologize for that. But I promise you, if you truly are a sweet to the core guy: if you step up your game just a bit and show off the confidence that I know you have, you will eventually find a girl. Pursue her, girls love to be chased. The biggest problem I’ve always had with nice guys is that they made me chase them. I know it seems old fashioned, but it works. Ask her out. Text her. BUT WITH LIMITS. Let her text you first sometimes. Use your nice guy charm on her friends. I have confidence in you, and if you find enough in yourself, other girls will see it too.

 

NOW GO OUT THERE AND GET ‘EM