anatomy of a break up: from the male view

by: the male contributer

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So one of the main reasons I was roped into this position (okay, okay, I volunteered) was to provide a male perspective into the world of dating/love/relationships and so on. Well I’ve done that in many areas, but I haven’t yet touched on actual relationships. That may stem from the fact that prior to starting writing here (a few weeks in fact) I went through a breakup from a relationship that had spanned multiple years. So it’s time to put some of that story out there and let you ladies know just where the male mind travels to over the course of a breakup.

First of all, I guess I need to put some of the details of my split out there. I’ll make this quick and neutral as possible, because as with any relationship, you can make a novel out of your side of story. This girl (I promise this is the nicest word I can call her, that Kailey will let me post on here), was actually really nice at first and we were each other’s firsts for just about everything. The thing is, she wound up losing trust in me because of certain situations- some I deserved and others that were not my fault. Our biggest problem was her being unable to let those situations go, especially when she wanted to “win” an argument. However as I told you guys in my last post, I’m a “Ted” when I fall for a girl, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it work. I’m not a quitter… even when I should be. Eventually our problems lead to a break-up in the dead of winter (how effing poetic) that was her idea (but really should have been mine at least a few months beforehand). And now I’ll get into the nitty gritty, so get your notepads out.

*Note: I’ll try and keep cursing to a minimum for this post, although in reality at this time cursing is an art form we choose to express ourselves in. Also in this section I’ll try and generalize first, then give more specific examples from my own breakup. Please keep in mind this is an extreme generalization, every situation is unique and different, even if we don’t want to admit it.

THE STEPS OF GETTING OVER HER:

step 1) The first step for men, whether we initiated the split or not, is telling ourselves that we didn’t need that b*!^* anyways. We distance ourselves first, because, well, that’s what you need to do. For me, this was realizing and admitting to myself that I had been preparing for this moment and postponing it for months.

step 2) The second step is admitting to both yourself and your friends that it’s time to move on. These are the people that have foreseen the break up since the first few signs- Whether that was hours or months ago they were there to recognize it and they’re your support system that will keep you (relatively) sane for the foreseeable future. I still remember telling my friends about my breakup… immediately before moving on to the next step….

step 3) BOOZE, BEER, and WHATEVER WETS YOUR WHISTLE. This can often be mostly your friends doing, at least it was in my case. It may be that we were in college and that’s what we did, but as soon as that breakup happened we were drinking the night away. This step is also important because it also involves hitting on other girls. This is a great time, a time where you “do you”, but it’s not a true moving on stage yet sadly. It’s more about proving that life exists outside of the old relationship.

step 4)…. Sighhhh Step frickin’ (Kailey you owe me because this is the least amount cursing I’ve done when talking about this) four, doesn’t always occur but when it does it’s awful. Step four is fallback- meaning you’re texting your ex and trying to close things out. Sometimes you do just that, text and close things out. Other times (and my break up falls in this space), it complicates things and you wind up in her bed roughly 5 times in a 3 month span. Hmm, That’s about right, but who’s counting? But remember, this isn’t a good thing, because it means you debate the relationship and you’ll likely wind up a conversation away from being back in it. This is scary for many reasons once you go onto….

step 5) moving on. The bad news is that if you went through step 4 it essentially means you’ll have what amounts to a second breakup: Where you stop hooking up and basically end things for good. It’s much worse than the first breakup, but at least it ends things for real. Which is bad because it hurts even worse than the first time, but ride it out because most likely you’ll discover you were right about the outcome in step one, it’s time to move on from that girl.

So there it is, the VERY, VERY BASIC steps of a breakup from a male’s perspective. The details of everything make it much more complicated than this is really, but for the most part that’s roughly what we are going through when it comes to this stuff.


Have you ever weathered a soul crushing mind numbing break up? What are your recovery tactics?

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Strangelove or: How I learned to stop worrying and accept our online dating overlords

 By: The Male Contributer 

If you didn’t get the reference the title of this post is making then you definitely need to Google Dr. Strangelove and learn some movie history, but also maybe my second working title will be more up your alley. Consider this post co-named: “It’s going down, I’m yelling Tinder.”

Hey y’all, I’m back again and a lot quicker this time, look at that (great success!). So you know how I’ve been promising that I’m actually working on stuff and not just relying on your suggestions? This is one of those posts where I actually use my own ideas… yes they actually do exist! So let’s start with a confession: I have been on a Tinder* date. That is a date with someone I met and know exclusively from Tinder…. Yeah, that happened. Judge if you will, it’s completely understandable and in all reality probably deserved. But know this: it wasn’t, I repeat that it was not a bad experience and it actually gave me a new perspective on dating. Well, at least an insight into part of the dating world I hadn’t thought about or experienced before. So before we get into my revelation about dating let’s talk about this Tinder date.

I’m not sure about the rest of you but I have this tendency to jump on Tinder at the end of a long night… a long night out on the town with a few adult beverages that is. This has, well, it has mixed results, let’s be honest. I’ve woken up to a few uhhhhh…. interesting (let’s go with that) matches and conversations the morning after. However this time around I matched with a lovely young lady late one night and was instantly surprised to find that she had swiped in my direction as well. Well I knew drunk me sending a message to her at 3am wasn’t the route I wanted to go, so I went to bed and woke up the next morning, clear and refreshed (maybe a touch hungover? Don’t really recall but not a bad bet) and struck up a conversation. Once again I was surprised, this time by how easy the conversation went. After a few days of messaging back and forth with some flirting mixed in for good measure, we had ourselves a dinner date. I did the gentlemanly thing and picked her up and paid, went the whole nine yards of course, I am nothing if not a gentleman. Wouldn’t you know I was surprised again- The conversation flowed seamlessly; we ate our dinner and stayed at the restaurant for a good 3-4 hours, just chilling and talking like we were old friends.

Long story short, we had a few more dates, (wouldn’t call those Tinder dates because we actually knew each other outside the app at this point) those went well but we decided to go our separate ways for a variety of reasons, not really important. What is important, however, is the lesson this initial date taught me. So, what is it that I learned? Well I learned that online dating is not just the future, it’s the present. Our generation is constantly online and connecting with people through social media so isn’t the next logical step meeting romantic interests online?

Now, I’m not saying it’s the only way, in fact, I much prefer meeting people in person- However, I also recognize that I’m an awkward dude, like coffee or beer- I’m an acquired taste. Online dating, which Tinder for all intents and purposes is, allows for that acquired taste to come through. It only benefits me and many others like me to embrace it. When you think about how our generation operates, constantly connected to our computers and phones, the role of the internet will only continue to increase when it comes to people meeting with romantic purposes. It may not be how we imagine meeting someone, but if trends show us anything, the number of people meeting on a website or app designed for that very purpose is increasing and will only continue to increase so you might as well admit it to yourself and be open to the possibility.

Now, I’m still in my early 20’s, so I’m not signing up for match.com or eHarmony anytime soon. There’s nothing wrong with those sites, it’s just not what I’m looking for. However, I’m not going to be opposed to those in the future and I’m not going to be opposed to meeting someone who I consider dateable on Tinder, or another app/website like it. To think otherwise is only cheating yourself out of the full potential of ways to meet someone who may grow to being someone special to you. So that’s my little bit of ranting for the time being. What do you think? Is Tinder an okay place to meet someone worth dating? 

Online dating: Inevitable trend of the future? Or not? Let’s hear what you have to say in the comments. And while you’re at it, let’s hear some suggestions for future posts. Also please go vote in the poll posted at the end of my last post about future topic ideas: https://hugsandthesuburbs.wordpress.com/2014/06/02/male-contributor-post-2-are-there-soul-mates/

As always, thanks to the proprietor of this site for giving me the chance to give a man’s perspective and thanks to all of you for reading, I hope that I entertained you and also gave you an interesting male perspective on things.

*For those of you, like Kailey, who don’t know what Tinder is, here is the wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tinder_(application)

 

Male Contributor Post #2: Are There Soul Mates?

“We recognize a soul mate by the supreme level of comfort and security we feel with that person. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues that remain to be ironed out. Rather, it means we know intuitively that we can resolve issues with our soul mate without losing his or her love and respect.” -Linda Brady

You guys already know the lowdown of what I think of soul mates… and if you don’t, you can read it for yourself here. So here’s my male contributor’s views- Enjoy! 

Well hello there, it’s been a long time without a promised, ranting, opinionated post. Apologies, real life and real procrastination called, so I’m a little backed up on the writing aspect of things.

So where have I been and what’s taken me so long? Well I’ve been out in the world working, drinking, flirting, dating and generally having my fair load of shenanigans. All in the name of research of course- I mean after all what kind “male guest poster” would I be if I wasn’t out there living life so I could come up with things to talk to y’all about? Okay, so maybe coming up with post topics wasn’t always the first thing on my mind as I was walking into a bar, drinking my nth beer of the night, talking with my friends and looking for a pair of pretty eyes to get lost in for a while. However those experiences are what I can (and do) draw from when I’m writing and what makes me a guy, which if I recall correctly is what got me this gig in the first place. So let’s get on with it then.

In my last post I asked for ideas for topics and after shifting through all one of the answers, I decided that I had enough of an opinion to respond to this one: “What are your views/ opinions on marriage? Such as: Do Soul mates exist? Is there hope for happily ever after? Are some people meant to be single/ are happier and more productive single? Feel free to rant and ramble!” A nice light topic to get going on, jeez. I kid, I kid, because I do really like this question. It’s something that we all think about, probably many times throughout our lives.

To start off, let’s go with the first example question listed: “Do soul mates exist?” To that my answer is a big emphatic NO. That is, if we’re saying they inherently exist. There’s no perfect person out there that will fit you like a glove. Soul mates can and most likely do exist if we look at it in the sense that you can and most likely will meet someone you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with. You’ll have a deep, deep connection with each other soul to soul. But that’s not going to happen without work, and a lot of it. No matter how happy the couple there is always work to be done in a relationship. In fact, in my opinion a lot of times the relationships that need and have more work to be done are the ones that are the happiest. Saying that “soul mates” exist in the sense that we can find someone who we fit perfectly with, without that work or with even a small amount of work though? Well that’s asking a helluva lot from the universe in my mind.

So to go along with that, there are definitely people who are meant to be single, whether that be for a month, a year, or a lifetime. I think I’m in that phase right now myself. I think that in this time during my life I am better off being single. Now I could also meet someone in a week that I spend the rest of my life with and I would be happier than a pig in slop if that happened. However, I am not going out chasing that. I believe that as soon as we start chasing after that relationship we start making it near impossible for ourselves to find one. The extra pressure we put on ourselves makes it really easy for us to ruin a potentially good thing. However if you take that step back and just enjoy your time being single, go out, make mistakes and live life, things have a way of working out in the way they are supposed to. And if that’s staying single for a (seemingly) long time… well, I mean you’ll be having a good time anyways, so who cares.

Well that’s about all the ranting I have in me right now. I’m always trying to come up with my own topics (I am I promise! Even if the proprietor of this site has to harass me for posts every now and then). But If I didn’t answer this question as fully as hoped or if there are follow up questions to it please do not hesitate to send them in. Or if you have any new topics that you think I may have an opinion on, be sure to send those on in too. In the mean time I’ll keep putting myself out there, drinking, fraternizing and being merry, all for the sake of this blog’s readership of course…. and maybe just maybe in hopes of one of those girls with the pretty eyes just so happening to get lost back because hey, you never know right?

First Post from my new Male Contributor!

 

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GUYS! My male guest poster finally sent me something! (I kid, I kid, he’s great… and it’s a great post!)

I seriously was so excited I started hopping all around my room. It doesn’t take much to get me excited.

So, without further ado, here it is:

Have you ever suggested and then volunteered to do something because you thought “I could do that” and then when you go to do it you realize you have no fricking clue what you are talking about? Well you now know how I found myself in this position of being this blog’s volunteer guest male poster. When I suggested the idea I thought heck, I have a million ideas of what to say (read: how to defend us guys). Now I’ve been staring at a blank screen going “no, wait, come back ideas, I promise I’ll give you the attention you deserve. So… Hope you enjoyed reading my post. See you next time!

Wait you want more than that? S*&#! Okay, well I guess I could use this to let you know a bit about me and what I was thinking when I put myself into this mess. I like to think I’m one of those legitimately nice guys. You know, the ones that girls say they want? Then seem to pass right by. Yeah that’s me. No this isn’t going to be a slam against women, saying they only go for “bad boy” or whatever you want to call it (althoughhhhh some of y’alls gender can make it pretty easy to say that at times). No this isn’t a slam because I’m also that guy you know that, while being super nice, has the game with women of, well, what’s something that has very, very little game with women? A cold burrito? Does that make sense? Ah, to hell with it, I like the way it sounds- if y’all don’t find it funny there will be other, funnier jokes (well hopefully).

So what you may be asking: What DO I have to offer then? Well, I’ve had a fair share of flings in the past of varying lengths and variety, and a few serious relationships that in retrospect probably could have gone better, although I am currently a single guy who is trying to wade my way back into the whole meeting women thing. Well then, that’s probably enough about me for the first post. I’m sure you’ll find out more in any subsequent articles. Which leads me to the next point and the whole point of this post itself, which is what does the readership of this blog want out of me as a writer? Are there any specific topics I should tackle? A regular Q and A where I answer all the questions you can’t just randomly go up and ask men? What do the inquiring minds wish to know from a single guy (heck I’d just like to know this for my own benefit, the more I think about it)? I mean I could just go on rants as I think of them, but I think we’d all be better off if I have some ideas to bounce of off. I’m willing to write/talk/loudly state my opinion about whatever on here so don’t think that any topic is off limits. Trust me, I’m very good at rambling, ask my ex.

Well without a specific topic to go off about, I think that’ll just about put a bow on things for this time. Thank you for reading, get those suggestions in, I’ll do my best to think of some good ideas as well. Also a special thank you goes out to the wonderful proprietor of this blog, for giving me an avenue to vent and hopefully give the guys a voice in the argument on here.