haaaaave you met ted?: How to tell if a guy is a player

So my male contributor has written more (and better) posts than me lately. I’m kind of a failure guys. haha. But here it is, for all you “How I Met Your Mother” lovers, this one’s for you. And, you know, anyone else who wants to know how to tell if a guy is a player.

Enjoy!

-Kailey


 

This is going to be LEGEND-wait for it-DARY

by: the mysterious male contributer 

Ted_and_barney

Welp, guess it’s been a solid couple of months since I’ve gave all of you some insight into the dark cavernous reaches of the male mind. My bad, meant to be more consistent than that, but hey- hopefully that means that this post will just be that much more insightful.

So let’s get to it… So what have I been up to? Well mostly working my life away at a couple of part time jobs, but there have been some opportunities, whether it’s drinks with coworkers after work or attending a good friend’s wedding where I’ve been able to be not only be on the dating prowl, but also talk and think about what it is that makes us men tick. So where do we go from here? Well as I sit here late at night (more like early morning at this point, frickin’ night shifts), I’m looking back at the poll we ran on my last few post and I see a small (boo I know more of you read this page! Vote on these polls, damn you) majority of you voted for “When is “too young” to get engaged? (or too fast).” While that’s a great topic- that I’ll hopefully ramble on about in the near future, the topic that’s catching my eye is “How do you know if a guy is a player?” You want to know the reason that’s appealing to me? Well, because at the risk of turning all of you against me… I am a player.

Wait! Don’t close the tab on this post yet! I have a defense and (I hope) it makes sense. All, and I mean every single last guy on this planet, is a player- What varies is the game that they are playing. Some (let’s call them Barney’s) want nothing but to bed you for one night and never see or talk to you again. Others want nothing more than to find that perfect girl and put a ring on it, the “Ted” if you will).  However, the vast majority of us, especially in the generation that’s currently in their 20‘s (myself included) are a balance between those two approaches. I’m a helpless romantic. When I fall, I’m an all-in, steal a blue French Horn for you type of guy… a Ted. However a lot of the time, especially still relatively fresh from a breakup, I want to just be a Barney, on the prowl looking for a good time for now, not tomorrow.

So, you have the Barneys who are always looking for one night- the traditional “players” if you will, and then you have the half and halves, such as myself, who fit the traditional “player” mold some of the time. However, the Ted’s? They’re still players… It’s just that their game is different and not what most women think of as a “player.” They’re out there judging, even more, might I add, than the other two groups I’ve mentioned. They’re quick to dismiss any girl for not hitting the right criteria. They’re going to be even more judgmental because they’re out there looking for a wife. They’re the ones who will drop you quicker than most, because they want you for longer. And they should be more judgmental; because that’s their future they are trying to build.

“But I just want to know ahead of time who’s a Barney out in the crowd!!” you say. “I want a Ted!” Well then be honest with yourself and with the guys you’re talking to. Don’t expect the guy you slept with the first night you met him to be your Ted. Straight up tell a guy what you want; if you want the relationship, the Barney’s will back away. However, if you’re looking for something shorter don’t lie to yourself. Go out, let your hair down and have a good time. Maybe you’ll meet a Barney and have one solid night. Maybe you’ll meet one of us half & halves, and have a fling for a few weeks. Maybe that fling will grow into a relationship and become the real thing and maybe it won’t. But if you are being honest with yourself and with guys about what you want it won’t be an issue.

As always, a huge thank you goes out to the wonderful proprietor of this excellent blog for allowing me to bring you these male perspectives. Also please LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS! Comment and let’s discuss. If you want me to further explain a thought, comment! If you think I’m an idiot, comment! If you agree, comment! If you have a question, comment! And of course if you have a suggestion for a future topic, comment! I’m doing this not only to provide you with a male perspective, but to learn about the other side of the coin as well. I want to hear your thoughts and interact! Thank you so much for reading.

 

*note: Yes I know, Ted had his player moments, and Barney had his relationship moments throughout the course of the show. This post focuses on broad generalizations of the characters in order to prove a point and put on a face on the different types of “players”.

5 second rule

You and your friend are eating pretzels while standing at the kitchen counter when you accidentally drop one on the floor. “five second rule!” you blab and reach down to pick it up.

When people claim this piece of folklore it’s not because they actually believe it, it’s to prevent other people from judging them. If you drop a pretzel on the floor you might continue to eat it, despite the fact that it’s now potentially contaminated. So what about dating?

If we’re not sure where someone else’s heart has been- should we take the risk of biting into the relationship? 

We know the risk of germs, that the dog licked the floor, and there’s dirt from our shoes- but I guess we think that if you can’t see it, it’s not there. Or maybe we don’t want to think about it. Is it the same with people? People don’t literally walk around with their hearts on their sleeves- “dated Jenny, broke up with Karly, has a crush on Lucy.” 

But what if they did? Would we still take the chance? If reminded of the lurking germs right before… Would it stop you? Probably. But it would only be to save face… to keep to social standards. So often we ignore people’s pasts in hopes of becoming part of their future. We want to believe that somehow their germs aren’t going to hurt us and that if we pretend it’s ok it will be. Maybe we’re too scared to know the truth, or maybe we know that if we really knew the dirt on everyone there’d be no one left to date. Maybe it’s ok to have rules, rules to make us feel safe. After all, most of us are the dropped pretzels of the world to other people. 

Maybe we’re all just waiting for the right person to pick us up out of the grimy backgrounds we came from. Find someone who cares enough and isn’t going to throw us away, despite the baggage that comes with us. That’s all anybody wants, isn’t it? 

 

Does Order of Birth Affect your Dating Life?

The other night I got to thinking about relationships- Something I obviously do a lot. But I realized important conclusions could be drawn from my experiences. Every single boy I have ever been interested in has been a younger child. 90% were the youngest child. I am the oldest. I have NEVER had a romantic interest in another first child. Come to think of it, I can’t even think of any guy FRIENDS I have that are the oldest. I thought of the relationships my friends have been in and the outcome was usually the same. Oldest children and youngest children tend to be attracted to each other. Why is this? Are we attracted to the people who are like the ones we grew up with? As disturbing as this sounds, I think there may be some truth in it.

Some of our closest, or at least longest, relationships are with our siblings. They are usually one of our first relationships with someone close(ish) to our age. We learned to share (or not) with them, how to resolve conflict, and tried our best to accept them for who they are- weird quirks and all. This sounds like things you have to do in a romantic relationship to me, and I think this especially effects us if they are of opposite gender. It is our first interaction with the opposite sex who is not a parent, and therefore usually closer to our age and stage. What does it mean then, if you are a girl and have all sisters? Or a boy and have all brothers? Does this affect your ability to interact with the opposing gender? Are you at a disadvantage to the rest of us? Are you more likely to experience dating anxiety or have all friends of the same sex? What about only children? Even though my brother and I weren’t and still aren’t particularly close, growing up with him gave me a little insight to the male brain. I think I would’ve been even more scared of boys if my only close relationship had been with my father. But that’s just me. And I’m weird.

For those of us who have siblings, we’ve grown up being the oldest, youngest, or middle child, and with that comes certain roles that we have grown to accept or follow. Is it possible that we choose our mates based on compatibility because of order of birth? I think it’s very possible, but maybe not for everyone. I’m sure there’s many of you that are dating someone the same birth order as you or know someone who is. 

From what I know of order of birth qualities I think middle children are the best at solving conflict and communicating because they’ve had to bridge the gap and solve the fights between their older and younger siblings. They are the mediators and are able to go with the flow and can pretty much date anyone. There are many stereotypes for being the oldest child or the youngest child and I know many people that carry that stereotype through (myself, included). Not everyone acts that way, so don’t get upset with me trying to prove that you don’t, but I know so many who do. And it’s not always a bad thing. The oldest child, while sometimes bossy and stubborn, are also hardworking and responsible. The youngest child, while at times expect to be babied by all around them and overly dependent, can be very driven and competitive and therefore can achieve much.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, maybe we balance each other out. Maybe we date people of opposing or different “order of births” because they play different roles in a family than we do and we need that to function properly. I think that if I ever dated another oldest child we would kill each other. We would both need to be “right” all the time. I have a few girl friends who are oldest child as well and I feel we sometimes compete with each other or don’t see eye to eye simply because we are very similar. 

Basically, if you possess strong characteristics or traits, you need to find someone who will balance those out, regardless of their birth order. 

I just like to play with the idea that it factors into your partner finding process. It’s kind of an interesting idea though, don’t you think?