I’m a grown up now. Kind of.

So… I realize it’s now June, and therefore a few months since I’ve posted anything that I wrote myself and didn’t drag out of my male contributor… Whose last post’s poll only got ONE response by the way. I’m looking at you. All of you. Because I know more than one person read it and I’m pretty sure that one person who responded was my BOYFRIEND who did it out of pity and not because he wants to know how to tell if a guy is a douchebag.

I’ve been crazy busy on the one hand, which isn’t much of an excuse because we all have. Graduating, moving back home, getting a job and an internship, and getting ready for (real) life. I’ve also just had really unfortunate timing. Words always come to me when I’m in inconvenient places. Like meijer. or in the shower. Then by the time I get to my laptop I’m either too tired or have forgotten the eloquent prose (ha) that so beautifully came to me.

I guess you’re just going to have to settle for the non-prose version.

I feel like I’m on a roller coaster ride of emotions- some days I am SO happy with my life: college graduate, job with awesome kiddos, awesome boyfriend who I’ll probably get engaged to within the next 2 years (PRESSURE. haha, I can’t help it… I’m in the wedding  business now with my internship- it’s hard not to start planning my own! Sorry T! I love you!), said mentioned wedding internship, back home where it just feels oh so right to be right now, loving family who accepts and supports me no matter what, etc. I am a very lucky girl. Other days I have a complete meltdown because I’m worried I made a big mistake in my career path and should’ve just gone to school to be a lawyer or nurse or something. First world problems, I realize, when you take a step back and look at it. How are you guys dealing with graduation (for those of you who have graduated)?

There was a point right after I found out I got my internship though when I got especially worried- worried that something would go very very wrong soon. Why? Because it usually has. To round up the pity party, there has been many occasions in my life growing up where things would seem to be awesome for 5 seconds until they weren’t. Super cute guy likes you? Jk he has a girlfriend. Wow, these girls are awesome and seem to get me… JK they talk about you behind your back and secretly hate you. It’s your senior year and theatre is your life and you’ve worked your butt off for four years so you think you finally have a shot at a non-chorus role in the school musical? HA. Don’t even get me started.

I came up with this theory in high school: Out of the three things I wanted/needed most in life- best friends, involvement in something I feel passionate about (whether a school play, job, or something else), and a positive relationship with a boy, I could only ever have two, at most. The two years between my junior year of high school and my freshman year of college I swiveled between the three at a sickening pace. I would say that I am the closest right now that I have ever been, and I am so grateful and thankful for that.

I am also thankful that I have got a hold on my rOCD (you can read more about what that is here: http://relationshipocd.com, if you guys want I can do a whole blog post about my experience with rOCD sometime) and am now able to see T for what he is- a wonderful, wonderful man. I am so glad you guys got to go on that journey, at least a little bit, with me and I can stand here today and say I made it. Not every day is a good day, but thanks to positive/realistic thinking, and the journey that I took to get here I can say that the bad days are few and far in between. I have confronted my demons and relationship fears, something we all have to do at some point. I have realized that a boyfriend is a person, and therefore a human, like myself, and not perfect. I have realigned my expectations for what I NEED a boyfriend/future husband to be and not what I WANT him to be and I am so excited for my future with T. 🙂

I realize this post probably wasn’t very interesting, so I will try to work on something better for the near future, but at least you have an update now. A big thanks to all of you: for reading hugs & the suburbs and for your encouraging words. Stay tuned for the future. 🙂

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The ONE thing that you need to know

The worst thing that can happen to your relationship is to follow relationship advice.

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Why?

because all of it is a lie. Including mine.

Because, guess what? All relationships are different. No one else will ever love someone like you love your family. No one else will love their children like you love yours. And no one else’s love will be the same love that you have with your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or best friend. There is no one perfect formula: take a half cup man plus a quarter cup woman and stir. Put it in the oven and in 20 minutes you will have a relationship. Some relationships need cinnamon, some need more flour, and some may even need a heaping ton of salt. Something that we all need to realize is: no one else is in your relationship besides you and your partner.

Okay, so I’m not going to say that if your parents and friends hate them then it’s totally not a warning sign and he’s a great guy- because that probably would be a lie. But all the advice columns… all the people bitter because of a broken heart or defensive of their own choices are not going to make the right decision for you. I could drive myself crazy reading all the things from A) the people who are single and are mad because they haven’t found someone yet OR watched their relationship crash and burn, or, B) the people who married young/fast/whatever and feel the need to tell everyone else IT IS OK AND I AM SO HAPPY AHH.

if you are the above: I have no problem with you, I am happy for you either way- Yay you’re single and that is awesome- freedom and nights out and independence, oh my! and if you are married- lucky you, you found your best friend who you wanna live with and that’s fantastic. 🙂 It’s just hard when these people think “their” way is the BEST and ONLY way. I guess this should be no surprise, us as human beings do this all the time. But it’s really confusing if you’re somewhere in the middle. I look at the single people and am like “well, I’m not single.” The very, uh, passionate ones believe your 20’s and college years are for hooking up, traveling the world on a whim, and that being married or in a relationship is the worst possible thing you could do to yourself. The married ones are all “I got married to my high school sweetheart and we are super happy! Why wait?”

sooo…. one group of society tells me I’m living my life wrong and will regret it because I didn’t date a string of men (not that that’s wrong if that’s what you want- live your life girl! it’s just not the choice for me.) and the other half tells me I should be married already because if i’m not ready then it’s not right. So what are we supposed to do? is there a right choice for anyone? Should we all run around like chicken’s with our heads cut off securing our MRS. degrees or should we break off a great relationship just so we can explore? There is no one right answer for everyone. No one-size-fits-all. But there is something that IS true.

If I could tell everyone in the whole world one thing?

It would be that love is not expendable.

We’ve got to stop treating it like it is.

You cannot buy love- you can’t get it on a computer screen, late at night on a X-rated site and you can’t find it in a prostitute. It’s not love they’re selling. A man whose wife is from an arranged marriage does not necessarily have her heart- just her company.

Love can be made at any point and any time, and we’re not going to run out of it like we might for our natural resources. But it’s not something that you can plainly see. If you think too deeply about it, it becomes confusing about what it actually is. Chemicals? Friendship on fire? Hormones? Whether you call the most powerful being God, Allah, Buddha, or cosmic karma, you can not argue that the common connection between all of us is LOVE. Love is the thing that is present everywhere- seeking, searching, finding, giving, and never taking. You don’t give up on true love. Or at least, you shouldn’t.

Your family, your children, and your spouse… these are the things that we should love and cherish above all else. Because they give us love and need ours in return.

Everyone is different. There is a “right” path for everyone to choose for themselves… So don’t be afraid to defy the social norm, go after what you want, marry your best friend, chase your dreams, or marry your best friend WHILE chasing your dreams. But please.. don’t listen to me. Decide for yourself.

 

5 things you deserve

Hey everyone,

So I’ve been growing so anxious lately in anticipation of graduation and sick of the never ending winter, and I realized I haven’t written in a while. Which is sad, because two of my best friends have recently begun seeing guys and I, of course, have been living vicariously through them as I’ve been off the market for a while. I felt the butterflies when they first told us about him, I was heartbroken with them when they were disappointed, and I cheered when my friend told me things were official. This all got me to thinking about the things we DO deserve in any kind of relationship- whether it’s a boyfriend or a husband-to-be. I’ve talked so much lately about how too many people want the “perfect” man and have too high of expectations. But the real problem lies in the things that we’re willing to accept instead- the lacking commitment, the talking to other women, etc. So here’s what you DO deserve, and need:

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  1. Excitement

Every person deserves excitement. Whether it’s butterflies, joy that a friendship is turning into something more, hopefulness for the future, etc. I’m not saying you have to be over the moon every second- because sometimes things start off slower, but I once tried to make things happen with a guy who was clearly nothing more than a friend to me. I wasn’t feeling it, and therefore wasn’t excited- to see him, for the future, and to make things official.

When is it a bad sign? Your butterflies are more like ulcers. I had this happen to me with a guy before and it wasn’t pretty. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I thought that not being able to eat when I thought about him was normal. Um… no. probably not. especially for someone who loves food as much as I do. It was anxiety and nerves because he was talking to other girls and wasn’t really mine. and it drove me crazy, for years, sadly.

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2. Laughter

I know this is such a cliche thing to say, but he needs to be able to make you laugh. I don’t care if you’re a serious type, you can’t tell me you never laugh. He doesn’t need to be a comedian or a total goofball, but you need to be able to see the humor in life. It makes things so much easier when you can laugh together. Those who laugh together love harder, feel better, and hold fewer grudges. Ok, I just made that up, but it’s probably true.

when is it a warning sign? When you are forcing your laughs. When you WANT to find him funny because you like him so darn much. When he laughs AT you when you make a mistake or do something less than bright. Seems obvious, I know, but so many people ignore this. Your partner should not be a bully. Besides, don’t you think it’ll be so much better when your future baby keeps you up all night (assuming that’s what you want) and you can both laugh about it in the morning when you fall asleep in your cheerios instead of fighting about who did more?

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3. Commitment

This is a tricky one. It may seem like I’m being captain obvious here, but if the person you like/love/whatever is willing and wanting to commit to you- whether by not seeing any other people, by becoming facebook official, giving you a promise ring, engagement, etc. there is so much more hope and security in your relationship. I have much personal experience with this. Before I met T, I never had an official boyfriend. But did I go on dates? Yup. Was I sort of kind of seeing people? Yup. (not at the same time, calm down). And every. single. time. I made the same vital flaw. I avoided having the “what are we” talks. Well, not so much avoided, but I never seemed to notice that these talks were always missing. The guys never really brought it up. My favorite (in a sarcastic, he disgusts me kind of “favorite”) is a guy who was I was seeing right before I met T. This guy had just gotten out of a long term relationship, but I thought that the rebound period was over. He promised me one night that he would “never hurt me” after an emotional moment of me telling him about the guy that broke my heart so badly. Then, ladies and gentlemen, he pinky shook. He pinky promised me he would never hurt me. So cheesy, so weird. At the time I was like “uhhh unless you marry me right now, which I don’t even want, there is no way you can promise that.” and I was right. A few weeks later he asked another girl to be his girlfriend. AND THEY ARE STILL DATING TO THIS DAY. sickening right? bleh. And the guy before him? The one I told him about? There were so many moments when I could have asked him to clarify the situation, but I didn’t. I was afraid. Afraid that he would run, afraid that the answer would be no. So instead I did a lot of high school girl cryptic facebook statues and whining to my friends. And what happened? He asked another girl to prom and ended things anyway. My life people. Proof you need to have the talk.. even if it’s hard. Please save yourself from finding stuff out like I did. I don’t care what excuse he gives, if you’ve been dating for a while, he knows where it’s going, whether he lets you in on it or not.

sorry for the rant.

moving on.

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4. Trust

A lot of good relationship books suggest you narrow your impossible mr. right list down to 3-5 things of MUST-HAVES. I think that trust must be one of those. Kailey 5 years ago would never have thought to include that on a dream man list, and that’s so naive. There are some things that are just non-negotiable. Some things that if you don’t have, the relationship will never work out, no matter what. My five things are 1. Trust  2. Wants Kids/would make a good dad  3. Financially stable (doesn’t have to be a millionaire, but I prefer he doesn’t make $7.40 an hour at mickey d’s part time)  4. Makes me laugh  5. Patient

I strongly suggest everyone (men and women) reconsider the things that truly matter to them. These are the dealbreakers and they are important to know. I never understood how people can marry someone who doesn’t want kids when they very clearly do (hello grey’s anatomy), clearly this is going to be a problem somewhere down the line.

so um. what were we talking about here? Oh yeah, trust. Make sure you know he wouldn’t lie to you. I know in the deepest part of my heart that T would never intentionally (or unintentionally actually. he really is that good of a guy) hurt me and will never cheat on me. And that means a whole heck of a lot.

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5. Effort

He doesn’t need to make you breakfast in bed every day or propose to you in a huge elaborate choreographed routine in public (in fact, he probably shouldn’t. Am I the only one who the thought of that makes me cringe? Sorry, I like privacy. A few close friends and family TOPS when my day comes. Or alone. That’s all I ask.)

So what should he do? He should make the effort to see how you are doing, ask about your day, ask questions, pay attention. He should make sure you get to your car safely, ask if you want anything to drink at his house, and maybe dress in your favorite shirt now and then. T wears the cologne I got him because he knows I like it. He asks for my opinion on date outfits. In the past he has surprised me on separate occasions with arnold palmer ice tea, popcorn and chocolate (I eat it together sometimes), and flowers. This doesn’t need to be every day and they don’t need to be store-bought things. I leave him little notes every where- from under his pillow, to the notes section on his phone, to between the pages of a book. It’s my way of reminding him that I love him. He wrote me a letter and put it on my car before to surprise me. (I though I got a ticket for a second coming out of work. yikes. haha)

Your guy (or gal) should make you feel loved and special. Even the littlest things, like holding your hand in public and offering to carry her coat mean a lot.

That’s all I have for today… Love your loved ones, pet your dogs, and stay warm as the never-ceasing winter continues.

 

blogiversary

WordPress just notified me that it has been one year since I made my blog.

I can’t help but reflect on all that has happened within this past year. T and I broke up and got back together. I made the decision not to continue with my sorority. I finished my junior year and got a summer internship. I learned so much in my internship and had a wonderful summer going up north to the beach and going out with friends and spending time with T. I started my senior year and got a part time job working with babies that I LOVE.

Now I have about 13 weeks until I graduate from college and am done with school FOREVER! (or at least until or unless I go to Grad school, which is yet to be decided)

I am so different than I was a year ago- I’ve grown so much. I’m also completely different than when I first started college, which seems like a day ago yet feels like an eternity. I remember thinking my campus was so big I could never find my way around and making new friends on my floor felt so scary and new. I remember not really knowing who I was- I was in a sort of limbo. No longer the girl in high school who was obsessed with theatre, the boy with the grey eyes, and avoiding sports at all costs. I was a theatre major for a hot second, but then I didn’t know where to go from there. I never thought I’d find a guy that I was attracted to, could make me laugh, and wasn’t going to break my heart every second. I was still learning the world didn’t revolve around me, but was also figuring out who I wanted to be.

Today, I have so many ambitions. I want to do so many things to help children, women, and families. I want to make a difference in my community. I am in love, and for once in my life actually know what this means. I’m no longer searching for some mythical prince charming that doesn’t exist, but now understand what matters in the long run- something that I don’t think many girls my age understand yet. Finding the guy that pulls a splinter out of your foot, that would never make you wonder if he’d cheat on you, and wants to be a husband and a father as much as you want to be a wife and a mother is a rare and beautiful thing. I’m so excited to travel the world and live in different places and chase my dreams and watch my children’s eyes light up on christmas morning and do it all while sharing my life with someone that loves me, truly.

So where am I today?

In a much, much better place.

I started this blog hoping to share my story. Hoping to find out somewhere between my stupid jokes that no one gets and the too many gifs that I am actually ok. That my life is where it’s supposed to be, and that the things that used to matter so much- like getting the lead in the school play or having a cute date to the homecoming dance, don’t mean anything in the long run. There’s no one to tell me I’m doing it right, and that was very scary to me for a long time. I was constantly wondering if I’d met the “one,” over-thinking my career choices, and questioning myself as a person. I finally know that it’s all ok, to trust myself, and believe in what I deserve. And that, in itself, is a miracle.

I don’t know if I will continue my blog after graduation- I might go back to rarely posting or I might cease entirely. It’s yet to be decided, but I’m ok with that.

Happy blogiversay, hugs and the suburbs.

When things get messy: first dates, anniversaries, and everything in between.

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I often find myself wondering about the blurred lines in modern day relationships. Back in the day, Dick and Jane dated, then were “going steady,” and then got married. But here in the 2000’s things have gotten a lot more complicated. What constitutes a date-Someone asking you to dinner? But what if it’s lunch? Does that mean you’re just friends? 

How do you know whether a get together is just “hanging out” or a real live first date? Are there requirements? T and I to this day don’t really know whether to count the time we met at Biggby’s for coffee or when we went to the zoo. When you’re hanging out in groups or with friends before things get serious  it can be hard to make the distinction. In high school, I dated, but I never had a boyfriend. I also think that half of the time I thought I was on a date when I probably wasn’t, and other times, like my junior prom, I didn’t realize it was something more until the guy started calling me “hun.” There also was the time when the guy I was head over heels for senior year asked me out to lunch and we ended up going to olive garden where he paid. Was that a date? If I experienced the same thing now I would’ve say yes, but back then I wasn’t so sure.

The rules of timing are another thing. How do you keep track of the amount of time you’ve been dating? Many couples celebrate their monthly anniversaries, but that pretty much makes me gag. Plus after you pass the 1 year mark it pretty much seems pointless. 

And then things get trickier: if you break up. This is the thing everyone wonders about but never really talks about. It’s taboo. If you break up and get back together, do you start over? Does the clock reset to day one? I used to be one of the scoffers. I had a friend who dated a guy for a year or two, then broke up with him for several months, then got back together and a month later stated that they were celebrating 2 years together. I was like “uhhh, except you broke up…..” However, once I experienced this phenomenon for myself I felt quite differently. Most of you know that T and I broke up for about a month last spring, and yet I still would say that we’ve been together 2 1/2 years next month. Is this wrong of me? There is so much history, so much that went on, that I feel we can’t just go back to zero. That and we texted each other almost the entire time we were broken up- I don’t think we really understood the concept. I’m also not giving up august 22nd because that was the day that for the first time in my life, I wasn’t single anymore. So I guess it’s up to you. People may judge, but I would feel silly after 2 years being like “we’re celebrating our 3 month.” I mean….. really. 

Maybe things would be easier if there was a universal relationship rule book… Something I could live my life by, and that would put all of us on the same page. Perhaps we’re all just navigating the dating trenches untrained and without bulletproof vests, and even though it’s scary, at least we’re not alone.

An Update on the Romantic Happenings of Yours Truly

Today I took two exams. One was at 7:45 in the morning. Whoever thought that exams that early were a good idea is a terrible terrible person.

Then I lay in my dormer bed and watched “Bachelorette.” It’s like Bridesmaids, but with Kirsten Dunst, Isla Fisher, and Rebel Wilson (you know.. pitch perfect, and also …. Bridesmaids. Weird.)

Also everyone was much meaner. Like a lot.

It’s on netflix, in case you were wondering.

Ok, so on to more important things.

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This post is all about my friend Aliza.

Ok, it’s not. Sorry Aliza… You’re adorable, I love you. Here’s your official shout out. 😉

Ready for the real news?

T and I are back together!

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I know, I know, you probably saw it coming, were rooting for us, or something like that. Or maybe you’re just like uhhhhh whatever I’m just reading this while waiting for my nails to dry and eating nutella so I didn’t see this coming but I don’t really care.

And that’s fine too.

I’m really sorry this has turned into a blog about my life and the daily happenings. I didn’t really mean for that to happen. I guess I just realized that little nuggets of wisdom don’t always come to me on the fly, and when T and I were broken up it was really hard for me to preach about relationships too much. You know what I mean?

So if you’re looking to hear how it happened- long story short: we love each other, life without each other sucked, I’m a hot mess (as you probably already know), and things finally started turning around. I kind of had a quarter life crisis, I’m 21 now so I’m allowed.

..sidenote- these two girls behind me in class last week were complaining about how they were getting “so old” because one of them was turning 19. uhhhh heyyy uhhhhh.. you’re still a teenager.

back to the story.

Truth is, we’ve been talking for a while now and then I finally put on my big girl pants and asked him to be my boyfriend again about a week ago. Lucky for me, he said yes. 🙂 and he’s been bugging me to blog about it…. last night he was all “kailey, we’re going to be 85 years old and you’re going to be like ‘hey blogggers, I know I haven’t posted in 64 years but T and I are back together!!! but it’s a bittersweet day because he died yesterday.”

Okay T, way to be dramatic. And depressing. Besides, by the time we’re that old I’m sure there will be miracle drugs and people living to 120 so it probably won’t even be an issue.

So here it is. And he’s still young.. turning 21 tonight! I’m a cougar, don’t know if I mentioned that before. Always go for the youngins’

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Fine, fine, he’s only 22 days younger than me.

(thought: Why is the gender-age thing so important? Why do so many girls only want to date guys older than them? They intimidate me. I know guys are supposed to be more immature than girls and blah blah blah. Whatever. It’s all how you pick them. Ladies, would you ever date someone younger than you? And to the men, would you date an older girl? How old is too old? Thoughts people. Deep thoughts.)

My best wishes to all of you college students who are taking/have taken/are about to start your finals! Summer is starting soon so I promise I will be posting some good relationship stuff again that can actually help you. hopefully.

Until then, lots of love!

Walking Back to the Castle

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I wasn’t sure what and when and if I would say anything about this anytime soon, but here we go…

T and I broke up.

I’m pretty sure those of you who read of my newly single status on facebook were trying to figure out what went wrong because my blog views shot WAY up right afterwards, and I’m not sure how i feel about that. In case you were wondering, my previous post- “the cycle of violence” has nothing to do with this or T. I wrote it a couple of years ago. 

I initiated the break up and it was really really hard. I love him, but haven’t been as happy as I should be in the relationship lately. I already feel like a hypocrite because of my major and my blog and all that I believe about relationships… but I needed to do this right now. We’re both so young and have so many things to experience and people to meet before I can get to the point in my life where I’m ready for that level of commitment. I can still see us ending up together someday, but I don’t know the future. One of us could fall for someone else. I am being selfish, but I strongly believe in being in a good relationship with yourself before you bring someone else into your life. All I ask is that you please try not to make assumptions or judge us because you don’t know the whole story.

I want to take the time now to give a shout out to my best friend B (what is this, gossip girl?) for inspiring the title of this post. She told me the following: “A man and a woman are riding on a horse together, and then they break up. One of them is still on the horse and the other person gets off. Their only option is to walk back to the castle and start over.”

What does this mean for my blog?

I’m not quite sure yet. I still have some pieces that I’d like to share with you soon but I also have a really busy week so I’m not sure when that’ll happen. I also have considered taking a little hiatus from this so I can gather my thoughts privately. We’ll just have to see what’ll happen when I figure stuff out.

Thank you…

To my facebook friends/people who found out through other ways who messaged me or texted me. I felt an overwhelming amount of support and for that I am so grateful. ❤

Ending with cute animals

because adorable pets always make me feel better… here’s some pictures of golden retrievers:

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A post NOT about relationships

Except maybe the relationship with myself.

I realized that I’ve been in a slump lately. 

I went home for the weekend and that always makes me feel better. I love seeing my family and having a little time for myself. I have 3 roommates and sleep in a room with 30 other girls. I love ‘em, especially when S tells me she wants a croissant at 11pm at night, or C laughs like a pelican, or K watches the ENTIRE first season of American Horror Story in one weekend… but I’m the kind of person that needs to be alone sometimes. Tonight my chapter had a sisterhood workshop and it reminded me of how proud I am of my sorority. After that I walked to a meeting with the other exec board members of the child life club I’m in. Lately I’ve been dreading going outside, especially when it’s dark. But as I walked through the nearly deserted streets, absent of students who were home preparing for monday’s impending classes, and with the weight of my new rape flash light my dad got me in the pocket of my coat (yeah. It blinds attackers. I also have a whistle. look out.) I listened to the songs “yellow” by coldplay and “Us” by Regina Spektor (the song from the beginning of (500) days of summer. Never seen it? Well first let me help you climb out of the rock you’ve been living under, second… go see it. It’s your homework.). As I walked down the main street right off campus I noticed that the moon was glowing especially bright, I saw the constellations I learned in 10th grade mythology, and my breath curled out in whispy spirals in the crisp february air. I realized for the first time in a while that I was happy. Spring semester has been such a struggle for some reason… I lacked the commitment, effort, and excitement I had in the fall, but walking to the coffee shop tonight I remembered how much I love my life. How my life involves things I never thought it would. It got me wondering what younger Kailey would think.

 

As an II year old I wrote a paper for my 6th grade english class for an assignment where we had to imagine our lives in several years. I wrote about how I “traveled” forward to high school age in some kind of weird time warp that only my preteen self could come up with. I just rediscovered this paper over christmas break because my parent’s are redoing our basement and my mom was having me look through all my papers, drawings, stories, math problems, report cards, since- uh, the beginning of time. Because that woman saved every. single. one. 

 

anywhoooo.

 

I talked about my 6th grade friends as if they would be my friends forever… when in reality two of them moved/changed schools and I changed my entire group of friends in 7th grade. And I changed again when I switched school systems for the second time for high school. But the point is… little Kailey had this dream about what I would be like in high school, college, and when I was older and obviously a famous movie star. I pictured myself tall, thin, with super long straight hair. I never really thought too much about college because my plan since I was 9 was to become an actress. I imagined myself confident, outgoing, and fun. I was really shy as a little kid, and therefore my dream was to someday be the loudest girl in the room. 

20 year old Kailey is average height. Exactly. I am 5’4” which is the average height of the average women. I don’t worry about my weight, because I don’t have a problem with it, which is something I couldn’t say for a long time in my life. But that’s not really something I like to talk about, especially on a blog. I have always had a healthy to slim body frame, but I didn’t always think I was. Now, however, I am happy with who I am. I’m very comfortable in my own skin, and that’s a huge accomplishment from how I once was. 

I’m not famous. Obviously. Acting and theatre were a huge HUGE part of my life for so long… and it brought me so many good friends, and memories. I came to college double majoring in theatre and an arts program. It wasn’t long though before I realized that I wasn’t being realistic. I no longer had the drive and passion to compete so bloodthirstily against my peers, and so, I changed my major. It was scary and confusing because I honestly had never really considered doing anything else all throughout high school. There were times when I was younger when I wanted to be a teacher, writer, painter, and yes, a cowgirl, but when I got close enough to actually going to school I had no other plans. 

 

I chose my major because my whole life I’ve been really good with little kids. They kind of love me. Whether volunteering at my community theatre’s day camp or making a baby behind me in meijer giggle… It’s something that I’ve always enjoyed doing. And I hate saying this because I’m afraid people will judge me, because really- I’m a feminist and think women can be whatever they want to be…. but I’m SO excited to be a Mom someday. I feel that the reason for my existence is to someday be an awesome mom. Is that weird? I just love kids in general. And babies. I love babies but am afraid of them because I don’t actually have that much experience. 

 

But moving on from that. 

 

I also thought of what my high school self would think. About to graduate from high school kailey. She was so sure of her path… I wanted to go to a different college than I do now. But I wasn’t accepted to their theatre program, so I decided to go here because it’s a better school overall and would bring me greater opportunities. I had a perm (not crazy 80’s, but more wavy/loose curls.. think taylor swift), I had my cartilage pierced, and thought I was invincible. Now, 3 years and many experiences later, my perm has grown out. My stud got infected freshman year and when I took it out it closed up. I joined a sorority. Something that I never thought I would do, but am so glad I got to experience, because it’s a once in a lifetime thing. I have a boyfriend. If I ever imagined having a boyfriend in college I imagined some guy who I’d meet here and take home to meet my parents. But instead… I met him at home. Lastly, I’m the membership chair for the club I joined last year. Even though I don’t really want to do child life anymore, it’s been a great experience. 

I think of my 11 and 18 year old self and know they would approve of my nearly 21 year old self (2 months guys!). She has confidence I never could’ve dreamed when I was younger. She understands that there are bad things that happen in the world and that she isn’t perfect. She understands a lot of things young Kailey never did.

What about you? Do you ever think about the choices you’ve made and how your goals have changed as you’ve aged?

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So because I’ve been talking so much about being in a relationship and romance… next time I plan to talk about another kind of relationships: friendship. 🙂 

p.s. “Alan Shepard” while this was probably not that interesting/applicable to you, I wanted to give you a shoutout. 😛

The extremely long post about my boyfriend

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I definitely think that I suffer from seasonal depression, because today it was sunny and I just felt so much happier. 🙂 I can’t wait for spring… this winter has not been a good one for me. I think because I go to such a big school the weather effects me a lot because I spend on average an hour and a half a day walking to classes. 

So as promised, I’m going to talk about how I met my boyfriend T, and how I learned how wonderful a relationship can be if you do it right. 

This is probably going to be really long, so I will try to break it into more readable sections.

Part 1: my history

I think first I need to tell you some background about me and my dating life throughout high school and before I met him. Picture this: hot mess. I didn’t know how to flirt without looking like an idiot, helped a guy emotionally cheat on his girlfriend because I didn’t know any better, ran away from the guy who tried to give me my first kiss (which he later did. Perhaps some day I’ll tell that story), led on sweet innocent boys who had crushes on me, was the rebound girl, and so on and so on. I spent my entire adolescent years trying desperately to have a boyfriend. But I didn’t want just anyone, I wanted someone I really liked and I had pretty high standards (or so I thought). SO story in a nutshell, I never made good decisions involving boys. In fact, I was kind of a horrible person in high school. I didn’t mean to be, I was just so wrapped up in my own personal drama and heartache that I never bothered to realize that so many people were going through things a million times worse than me.

So now that we’ve talked about why I was completely clueless in high school, let’s move on to the cute part.

Part 2: Summer 2011

The summer after my freshman year of college I had hit my relationship bottom. I had no guys to crush on in college (well except hair boy. But this is not the time to talk about him), and had gone on one date with this boy I met at my community college biology class I was taking that summer and realized that while he was a total hunk… he was also a total dummy. After that I began seeing this kid who had just got out of a long term relationship and who was from my high school- since apparently I can’t stay away from them (T went to my high school too). The whole thing ended badly, because we had been friends before and at the end he ignored me for two weeks out of the blue, and when I finally asked him for an explanation he gave me this emotional sob story and somehow I was the one who ended up apologizing because apparently I was in the wrong for yelling at him (I know… what?). I later found out that it was all lies because he had asked this other girl to be his girlfriend before we had even had the confrontation and only shortly after he had stopped talking to me. That hurt. A lot. Because even though we hadn’t been in a official relationship, it wasn’t the first time I felt like I had been used and had another girl chosen over me. 

Ok that wasn’t so cute. whoops. ok, the next part will be. fingers crossed. 

Part 3: I see T for the first time

to get you in the mood for the cuteness, here are some of my favorite things: a baby and a golden retriever. T sent me this a few nights ago because I was stressed studying for my two exams. Gotta love him.

So WHILE I was seeing said boy from part 2, my best friend convinced me to go to a bonfire of one of her friends who I didn’t really know. I didn’t especially want to but ended up going anyway. T was also going to this bonfire. I saw him and thought he was really cute, and I remember for whatever reason I imagined what it would be like to date him because he talked about how he and his girlfriend had broke up a month ago. Here’s where my cheesy belief in fate comes in… I got this certain feeling when I looked at him. I’d only felt like that once before when seeing a guy for the first time and it had not ended well. But still. Can love at first sight exist? At the time I brushed off his tall, tan, hazel eyed cuteness because I thought he was older than me (he’s actually 22 days younger than me), I would never see him again, and anyway I had that other guy! (ha.)

Flash forward to a month and a half later, when we both went to ANOTHER bonfire at the same girl’s house (yeah, apparently bonfires are the place to meet people). At that point I had gone through enough with boys to put me on track to becoming a cat lady who watches way too much jeopardy and decided I was done with boys. I was finally happy in my own skin and being on my own. …..Except really only the latter is true, because I’m not the biggest fan of cats, and frankly, there’s nothing wrong with a confident happy single woman… even if she does own too many felines. 

But fate had other plans as T had gotten a hair cut since I last saw him and all I could think was “holy cow, he’s cute.” He talked to me about high school musical 2 because I had been in the play a few summers back. Once we started dating he told me he actually had no clue about those movies and went home that night and watched them in case we ever talked about it again. SO. CUTE. right?? 

Unfortunately I had rode with friends there and they needed to leave, so I sadly said goodbye to the dreamy boy and went home.

Later, T asked the mutual friend about me, saying I was cute and calling me “kelsey” because apparently he couldn’t remember my name. The mutual friend told my best friend, who told me. Because that’s just how girls do. I was ecstatic. 

Basically from then on T started hanging out with my group of friends and I realized he wasn’t just adorable, but funny, silly, kind, and wanted to go to my college after he got his associates degree in a year! 

Part 4: we date!

So sometime after that T worked up the courage to ask me to coffee, and I was really nervous but found out I didn’t have to be because we had so much to talk about! I had never had a conversation that easily with a boy I liked before. As we were about to leave, T asked me “if I liked animals,” which is perhaps the cutest and funniest thing I have ever heard. He then proceeded to ask me to go to the zoo with him when I said yes….obviously I like animals.

After that we went on several more dates where he held my hand for the first time as we walked the beach at sunset. After we had been on 4 dates or so, we had our first kiss and he asked me to be his girlfriend. Of course I said yes. 🙂

Part 5: Long Distance

So a week after I got my first official boyfriend I had to go back to college a little over an hour away from him and began our long distance relationship that would last for the next 7 months or so. I know it totally could of been worse… He could’ve been across the country. But it was hard… Especially because I had never had a functional relationship at all. I went home at least one weekend every month and he visited me, but the key was skyping almost every day, phone calls, and text. Thank god for technology! In the spring we found out he was accepted to my school and we were both overjoyed. He moved out here this fall and lives about a 23 minute walk away from my sorority house. I love seeing him so much more this year, it truly is a blessing.

Our year and a half is february 22nd, and I’m so excited to spend my first valentines day WITH him on the 14th. I know we haven’t been dating that long in the long term sense, and we still have a lot to learn as we are both constantly changing in ourselves and our relationship, but I know we can do it!

Part 6: (finally) How I’ve benefited and what I’ve learned

So one of the hardest parts for me was and still sometimes is giving up my independence. I am, of course, my own person. We are not married, and I can pursue all of my dreams with his support. But the problem for me was facing the issues I had with myself. I had/have so many self confidence issues, commitment issues, and a boatload of anxiety. As much as T has helped me work through these, there were times where I wondered where I would be if I had met him later, but at the same time I wouldn’t give him up for anything.

Basically, here was my dilemma: 

What happens when prince charming comes at the wrong time? When you’re perfectly content with your life and confident being on your own. All those years you were trying to make something work and once you finally find yourself and work out all your kinks THEN he comes? where’s the fairness in that? are you supposed to just drop everything for him? Because the truth is, it’s a internal battle. This wonderful guy that could sweep you off your feet and you’ve been looking for for years, or the self confidence and future you have planned? Which is worth more? Because what if you don’t find him again? But what if you give up everything… everything you’ve worked so hard for, and it doesn’t work out. Perhaps the timing is never right and will never be right. But what are you supposed to do in these situations? Is it possible prince charming isn’t worth it?

I’m not condoling either way… dropping your dreams for a guy (which I didn’t, by the way) or missing out on a wonderful man because you’re afraid.

Dating T has ultimately made me realize what I deserve. What ALL girls deserve.

here’s just some of the reasons:

  • he doesn’t play mind games. and he’s never made me play mind games with him either, and that was something I could never say about a relationship of mine before.

  • He understands that I’m emotional and he’s patient about it.
  • he’s super romantic. A few weeks ago he was waiting outside my 8:30 am class to give me a letter because we were going through a rough time.
  • he loves dogs and children (he has two precious, precious nieces)
  • he stays up late talking to me, even when he’s really tired. and we talk about everything. he’s literally my best friend.
  • he’s religious. And I never thought that really mattered to me before… I am pretty open to any and all religions and am not particularly strong in my own. But T challenges me to reconsider religion, and has helped through a lot of my struggles with it. Also, I’m not trying to sound all preachy, but a man who loves God (of any form) is HOT! I mean that in a totally innocent way too. Watching someone be so passionate about something makes me want to be more passionate about things in my life- to help others and make a difference in the world.
  • he always makes sure he looks nice for me. He always looks cute, even when he’s wearing sweats, but he wears khakis and my favorite shirts when we go on dates because he knows I love them.
  • he tells me he loves me, a lot.
  • he tells me i’m beautiful even when I’m at my worst. 
  • he opens doors for me and occasionally buys me dinner (who am I kidding I eat his food all the time… sorry T!)
  • I’m very stubborn and hot headed. He’s calm, level headed, and the moderator. We balance each other out nicely.
  • he takes care of me.
  • he won’t let me walk anywhere alone even if it’s barely dusk (we’re talking 5pm).
  • he writes me letters. 
  • he loves disney animated movies and will watch them with me!

So I know those are a wide range of things… ranging from things that most girls want, to things everyone deserves, to things that specifically I need and he has given to me. 

Sorry this rambled on for 12 million years. Clearly I couldn’t stop. haha

My next post is going to be about why all girls date jerks and nice guys get used! So get excited. Because it’s going to get intense.