anatomy of a break up: from the male view

by: the male contributer


So one of the main reasons I was roped into this position (okay, okay, I volunteered) was to provide a male perspective into the world of dating/love/relationships and so on. Well I’ve done that in many areas, but I haven’t yet touched on actual relationships. That may stem from the fact that prior to starting writing here (a few weeks in fact) I went through a breakup from a relationship that had spanned multiple years. So it’s time to put some of that story out there and let you ladies know just where the male mind travels to over the course of a breakup.

First of all, I guess I need to put some of the details of my split out there. I’ll make this quick and neutral as possible, because as with any relationship, you can make a novel out of your side of story. This girl (I promise this is the nicest word I can call her, that Kailey will let me post on here), was actually really nice at first and we were each other’s firsts for just about everything. The thing is, she wound up losing trust in me because of certain situations- some I deserved and others that were not my fault. Our biggest problem was her being unable to let those situations go, especially when she wanted to “win” an argument. However as I told you guys in my last post, I’m a “Ted” when I fall for a girl, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it work. I’m not a quitter… even when I should be. Eventually our problems lead to a break-up in the dead of winter (how effing poetic) that was her idea (but really should have been mine at least a few months beforehand). And now I’ll get into the nitty gritty, so get your notepads out.

*Note: I’ll try and keep cursing to a minimum for this post, although in reality at this time cursing is an art form we choose to express ourselves in. Also in this section I’ll try and generalize first, then give more specific examples from my own breakup. Please keep in mind this is an extreme generalization, every situation is unique and different, even if we don’t want to admit it.


step 1) The first step for men, whether we initiated the split or not, is telling ourselves that we didn’t need that b*!^* anyways. We distance ourselves first, because, well, that’s what you need to do. For me, this was realizing and admitting to myself that I had been preparing for this moment and postponing it for months.

step 2) The second step is admitting to both yourself and your friends that it’s time to move on. These are the people that have foreseen the break up since the first few signs- Whether that was hours or months ago they were there to recognize it and they’re your support system that will keep you (relatively) sane for the foreseeable future. I still remember telling my friends about my breakup… immediately before moving on to the next step….

step 3) BOOZE, BEER, and WHATEVER WETS YOUR WHISTLE. This can often be mostly your friends doing, at least it was in my case. It may be that we were in college and that’s what we did, but as soon as that breakup happened we were drinking the night away. This step is also important because it also involves hitting on other girls. This is a great time, a time where you “do you”, but it’s not a true moving on stage yet sadly. It’s more about proving that life exists outside of the old relationship.

step 4)…. Sighhhh Step frickin’ (Kailey you owe me because this is the least amount cursing I’ve done when talking about this) four, doesn’t always occur but when it does it’s awful. Step four is fallback- meaning you’re texting your ex and trying to close things out. Sometimes you do just that, text and close things out. Other times (and my break up falls in this space), it complicates things and you wind up in her bed roughly 5 times in a 3 month span. Hmm, That’s about right, but who’s counting? But remember, this isn’t a good thing, because it means you debate the relationship and you’ll likely wind up a conversation away from being back in it. This is scary for many reasons once you go onto….

step 5) moving on. The bad news is that if you went through step 4 it essentially means you’ll have what amounts to a second breakup: Where you stop hooking up and basically end things for good. It’s much worse than the first breakup, but at least it ends things for real. Which is bad because it hurts even worse than the first time, but ride it out because most likely you’ll discover you were right about the outcome in step one, it’s time to move on from that girl.

So there it is, the VERY, VERY BASIC steps of a breakup from a male’s perspective. The details of everything make it much more complicated than this is really, but for the most part that’s roughly what we are going through when it comes to this stuff.

Have you ever weathered a soul crushing mind numbing break up? What are your recovery tactics?


haaaaave you met ted?: How to tell if a guy is a player

So my male contributor has written more (and better) posts than me lately. I’m kind of a failure guys. haha. But here it is, for all you “How I Met Your Mother” lovers, this one’s for you. And, you know, anyone else who wants to know how to tell if a guy is a player.




This is going to be LEGEND-wait for it-DARY

by: the mysterious male contributer 


Welp, guess it’s been a solid couple of months since I’ve gave all of you some insight into the dark cavernous reaches of the male mind. My bad, meant to be more consistent than that, but hey- hopefully that means that this post will just be that much more insightful.

So let’s get to it… So what have I been up to? Well mostly working my life away at a couple of part time jobs, but there have been some opportunities, whether it’s drinks with coworkers after work or attending a good friend’s wedding where I’ve been able to be not only be on the dating prowl, but also talk and think about what it is that makes us men tick. So where do we go from here? Well as I sit here late at night (more like early morning at this point, frickin’ night shifts), I’m looking back at the poll we ran on my last few post and I see a small (boo I know more of you read this page! Vote on these polls, damn you) majority of you voted for “When is “too young” to get engaged? (or too fast).” While that’s a great topic- that I’ll hopefully ramble on about in the near future, the topic that’s catching my eye is “How do you know if a guy is a player?” You want to know the reason that’s appealing to me? Well, because at the risk of turning all of you against me… I am a player.

Wait! Don’t close the tab on this post yet! I have a defense and (I hope) it makes sense. All, and I mean every single last guy on this planet, is a player- What varies is the game that they are playing. Some (let’s call them Barney’s) want nothing but to bed you for one night and never see or talk to you again. Others want nothing more than to find that perfect girl and put a ring on it, the “Ted” if you will).  However, the vast majority of us, especially in the generation that’s currently in their 20‘s (myself included) are a balance between those two approaches. I’m a helpless romantic. When I fall, I’m an all-in, steal a blue French Horn for you type of guy… a Ted. However a lot of the time, especially still relatively fresh from a breakup, I want to just be a Barney, on the prowl looking for a good time for now, not tomorrow.

So, you have the Barneys who are always looking for one night- the traditional “players” if you will, and then you have the half and halves, such as myself, who fit the traditional “player” mold some of the time. However, the Ted’s? They’re still players… It’s just that their game is different and not what most women think of as a “player.” They’re out there judging, even more, might I add, than the other two groups I’ve mentioned. They’re quick to dismiss any girl for not hitting the right criteria. They’re going to be even more judgmental because they’re out there looking for a wife. They’re the ones who will drop you quicker than most, because they want you for longer. And they should be more judgmental; because that’s their future they are trying to build.

“But I just want to know ahead of time who’s a Barney out in the crowd!!” you say. “I want a Ted!” Well then be honest with yourself and with the guys you’re talking to. Don’t expect the guy you slept with the first night you met him to be your Ted. Straight up tell a guy what you want; if you want the relationship, the Barney’s will back away. However, if you’re looking for something shorter don’t lie to yourself. Go out, let your hair down and have a good time. Maybe you’ll meet a Barney and have one solid night. Maybe you’ll meet one of us half & halves, and have a fling for a few weeks. Maybe that fling will grow into a relationship and become the real thing and maybe it won’t. But if you are being honest with yourself and with guys about what you want it won’t be an issue.

As always, a huge thank you goes out to the wonderful proprietor of this excellent blog for allowing me to bring you these male perspectives. Also please LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS! Comment and let’s discuss. If you want me to further explain a thought, comment! If you think I’m an idiot, comment! If you agree, comment! If you have a question, comment! And of course if you have a suggestion for a future topic, comment! I’m doing this not only to provide you with a male perspective, but to learn about the other side of the coin as well. I want to hear your thoughts and interact! Thank you so much for reading.


*note: Yes I know, Ted had his player moments, and Barney had his relationship moments throughout the course of the show. This post focuses on broad generalizations of the characters in order to prove a point and put on a face on the different types of “players”.