Why Men are like Bagels

Soooo I wrote this my freshman year of college because I was crushing on a guy I couldn’t get and because at the time I had really different tastes (hah. bagels.) in men then most of my friends. I thought I was so funny and clever.

I’m as picky about men as I am about my bagels. I like my bagels in a very particular fashion. They must be cut in a way that allows the top half to be thinner than the bottom half. Stupid, maybe. Necessary, definitely. If my bagel is not cut in this particular practice I simply can’t eat it. I like eating the top layer first and enjoying the taste of the butter or cream cheese and the chewiness of it. You could compare this to my initial attraction to someone. Their “topmost layer.” Their looks are what first draws my attention, and as shallow as this is, it is the truth for pretty much all of us. Humans are naturally drawn to people who look healthy, and who they are genetically programed to reproduce healthy children with (Yes, that’s real. I learned about it in science class. So the next time you’re turning someone down just say “I’m sorry, it’s not you, but it’s not me either. It’s our chromosomes. They just don’t get along.”).

I myself, am particularly finicky about the type of boy I find attractive. My friends relentlessly tease me for my unique and overly choosy taste. I don’t know why my preferences are so choosy… they just are. After I am satisfied with the top layer I move on to the bottom, thicker layer of the bagel and enjoy its richness and the taste of the bread. Once I have established that I am attracted to someone there can still be no further advances until I understand their “bottom layer” or soul. Because no matter how attractive someone is, if we are not compatible personality wise it all ends there.

Yes, I am a freak, being so particular about the way I eat my breakfast carb of choice. And yes, I am incredibly choosy about the type of guy I find attractive. Maybe this is why I have spent my entire life perpetually single. Maybe this is why the bagels in the cafeteria annoy me when they are cut perfectly in half. But you know what? Despite my shortage of potential love interests in my life; men, men who are so inconsistent, unpredictable, and prone to giving me heart ache, will come and go. But I can always eat a bagel.

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…What?

You don’t think men are like bagels?

What did you think they were like? Waffles?

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