Except maybe the relationship with myself.
I realized that I’ve been in a slump lately.
I went home for the weekend and that always makes me feel better. I love seeing my family and having a little time for myself. I have 3 roommates and sleep in a room with 30 other girls. I love ‘em, especially when S tells me she wants a croissant at 11pm at night, or C laughs like a pelican, or K watches the ENTIRE first season of American Horror Story in one weekend… but I’m the kind of person that needs to be alone sometimes. Tonight my chapter had a sisterhood workshop and it reminded me of how proud I am of my sorority. After that I walked to a meeting with the other exec board members of the child life club I’m in. Lately I’ve been dreading going outside, especially when it’s dark. But as I walked through the nearly deserted streets, absent of students who were home preparing for monday’s impending classes, and with the weight of my new rape flash light my dad got me in the pocket of my coat (yeah. It blinds attackers. I also have a whistle. look out.) I listened to the songs “yellow” by coldplay and “Us” by Regina Spektor (the song from the beginning of (500) days of summer. Never seen it? Well first let me help you climb out of the rock you’ve been living under, second… go see it. It’s your homework.). As I walked down the main street right off campus I noticed that the moon was glowing especially bright, I saw the constellations I learned in 10th grade mythology, and my breath curled out in whispy spirals in the crisp february air. I realized for the first time in a while that I was happy. Spring semester has been such a struggle for some reason… I lacked the commitment, effort, and excitement I had in the fall, but walking to the coffee shop tonight I remembered how much I love my life. How my life involves things I never thought it would. It got me wondering what younger Kailey would think.
As an II year old I wrote a paper for my 6th grade english class for an assignment where we had to imagine our lives in several years. I wrote about how I “traveled” forward to high school age in some kind of weird time warp that only my preteen self could come up with. I just rediscovered this paper over christmas break because my parent’s are redoing our basement and my mom was having me look through all my papers, drawings, stories, math problems, report cards, since- uh, the beginning of time. Because that woman saved every. single. one.
I talked about my 6th grade friends as if they would be my friends forever… when in reality two of them moved/changed schools and I changed my entire group of friends in 7th grade. And I changed again when I switched school systems for the second time for high school. But the point is… little Kailey had this dream about what I would be like in high school, college, and when I was older and obviously a famous movie star. I pictured myself tall, thin, with super long straight hair. I never really thought too much about college because my plan since I was 9 was to become an actress. I imagined myself confident, outgoing, and fun. I was really shy as a little kid, and therefore my dream was to someday be the loudest girl in the room.
20 year old Kailey is average height. Exactly. I am 5’4” which is the average height of the average women. I don’t worry about my weight, because I don’t have a problem with it, which is something I couldn’t say for a long time in my life. But that’s not really something I like to talk about, especially on a blog. I have always had a healthy to slim body frame, but I didn’t always think I was. Now, however, I am happy with who I am. I’m very comfortable in my own skin, and that’s a huge accomplishment from how I once was.
I’m not famous. Obviously. Acting and theatre were a huge HUGE part of my life for so long… and it brought me so many good friends, and memories. I came to college double majoring in theatre and an arts program. It wasn’t long though before I realized that I wasn’t being realistic. I no longer had the drive and passion to compete so bloodthirstily against my peers, and so, I changed my major. It was scary and confusing because I honestly had never really considered doing anything else all throughout high school. There were times when I was younger when I wanted to be a teacher, writer, painter, and yes, a cowgirl, but when I got close enough to actually going to school I had no other plans.
I chose my major because my whole life I’ve been really good with little kids. They kind of love me. Whether volunteering at my community theatre’s day camp or making a baby behind me in meijer giggle… It’s something that I’ve always enjoyed doing. And I hate saying this because I’m afraid people will judge me, because really- I’m a feminist and think women can be whatever they want to be…. but I’m SO excited to be a Mom someday. I feel that the reason for my existence is to someday be an awesome mom. Is that weird? I just love kids in general. And babies. I love babies but am afraid of them because I don’t actually have that much experience.
But moving on from that.
I also thought of what my high school self would think. About to graduate from high school kailey. She was so sure of her path… I wanted to go to a different college than I do now. But I wasn’t accepted to their theatre program, so I decided to go here because it’s a better school overall and would bring me greater opportunities. I had a perm (not crazy 80’s, but more wavy/loose curls.. think taylor swift), I had my cartilage pierced, and thought I was invincible. Now, 3 years and many experiences later, my perm has grown out. My stud got infected freshman year and when I took it out it closed up. I joined a sorority. Something that I never thought I would do, but am so glad I got to experience, because it’s a once in a lifetime thing. I have a boyfriend. If I ever imagined having a boyfriend in college I imagined some guy who I’d meet here and take home to meet my parents. But instead… I met him at home. Lastly, I’m the membership chair for the club I joined last year. Even though I don’t really want to do child life anymore, it’s been a great experience.
I think of my 11 and 18 year old self and know they would approve of my nearly 21 year old self (2 months guys!). She has confidence I never could’ve dreamed when I was younger. She understands that there are bad things that happen in the world and that she isn’t perfect. She understands a lot of things young Kailey never did.
What about you? Do you ever think about the choices you’ve made and how your goals have changed as you’ve aged?
So because I’ve been talking so much about being in a relationship and romance… next time I plan to talk about another kind of relationships: friendship. 🙂
p.s. “Alan Shepard” while this was probably not that interesting/applicable to you, I wanted to give you a shoutout. 😛